Brothers

Or should I say brother? I only have 1! 

Tomorrow marks 4 years since my brother passed away. Four years ago, it landed on Thanksgiving. 

What a crappy day to die. 

I have been thinking about Brian, and missing him. 

I won't ever pretend he was a saint. That he was perfect and made all the right choices, or that his bad deeds sometimes outdid his good. 

Nor will I ever pretend he had a great life and didn't suffer from a deep, black depression. So severe of a depression that when he was hospitalized, the doctors didn't know if they would be able to help him out of it. 

I often mourn of moments that could have been, times that could've been better had he lived, had he been free from his depression and disability. 

Can you imagine-

Being 21 and in a car accident on your way to work that left you paralyzed from the chest down?

Not being able to control 3/4 of your body anymore?

Including bowel movements?

Having to use a catheter everyday, every time you had to go to the bathroom?

Phantom pains in limbs you can no longer use? 

Having to depend on others to help with groceries, making your bed, doing your laundry? 

Having to sell your dirtbike because it is worthless to you know? 

Maybe you can, and if you do, I want to say how amazing I think you are. For all the things we do on a daily basis that you cannot, or do only with great effort. 

I was always amazed at the trust Brian had to put in other people. When he had to go down a flight of stairs, he had to depend on others to carry him down. I could see the nerves in his eyes as he was carried down. I always thought that must be hard. To trust that they won't drop you, because you can't catch yourself. 

I'll never forget looking Bri in the eye after we learned he wouldn't make it through the day. I just held his hand and asked him if he was ready. If he was ready to meet Jesus. He looked me straight in the eye and nodded his head. My physical body lost it, but I felt inner peace that he knew what was coming and was not scared. I wonder if I will feel the peace I saw in his eyes. 

My Dear Brother, I love you and miss you. I'm off to have a good cry now...