Missing Brian

Lately, I have been missing my brother. For me, missing Brian never seems to come at the "normal"  times, like birthdays, holidays, ect. For me, it always seems random. Like a week ago, I was running down the road, and saw a black truck turning the corner. I thought to myself, "I wonder if that is Brian coming home for the night." Thoughts of him seem to pop in my mind at unexpected times. Tonight, Corey and I were talking about him, and and Asher started to say "Brian, Brian, Brian" in his cute little boy voice. It made me sad to think that Bri would never meet Asher. He would love how rough and tumble Ash is. 

I have never been good about grave site visiting either. While my parents find comfort in visiting the site, I do not.  I only stop there if I am in a certain mood, and am never sure what I am supposed to feel there. I feel some sadness, but mostly just empty. I would rather look out the window of the house he built and see the same scenery he loved. 

Grief is a funny thing. I think back to the first hours, days, weeks following his death, and of how hard it was. I don't think any of us thought we would ever recover or have a sense of normalcy again. I think my pastor in St. Cloud said it best when he told me, "you don't move on from a death, you adjust." 

That is what our family has done these last 3 1/2 years, we've adjusted to life without Brian. There are times when the grief feels brand new, and other times it seems so distant. I guess this is one of those times it is closer.