I was reading on RunMommyRun's blog today about eating issues and how she grew up with them and battled them. She has now made a conscious decision to not let her children fall into the same trap. I wholeheartedly agree.
It made me think of my story, and as little as I want to share it, and believe me, I don't... I really felt led to share.
I grew up with a mother who was, and is, a binge eater. She has never been the type to eat just one of anything- you go all or nothing. She would go to a weight loss clinic after starving herself for days, then stop at Taco Bell and order herself 6 tacos. Naturally, I was along and had a few of my own. Since she felt bad about herself, she would judge me.
"Nobody will ever date you if you bite your nails, that is disgusting."
"You're fat and ugly."
"Are you really going to eat that?"
"Oh, you ate a little Debbie? I can see your thighs getting bigger."
(and yes, some of these are just from the past month) I could go on, but what is the point? My husband wants to blame her, but I don't or can't. After all, isn't it a sickness? Does any mother actually want to treat her child this way? I hope not.
But, it left scars. I wish I were stronger, like my non-commenting sister, who could just laugh and call my mom a bitch. Me? I just take it. I excuse it as a mental illness, and ignore it.
Back to the subject~ It affected me. I ate too much, I drank too much pop. Entering my senior year, I was packed into a 13/14, at 5'2", nice and curvy.. I naturally lost weight that year. I don't know if it was meeting my (future) husband, or metabolism, but I dropped 25 lbs without trying.
I kept most of it off until 1999, when my brother was in a car accident that left him paralyzed. It was at the same time Core and I were moving to a new town, starting a new college and things were changing and I felt out of control. So, I controlled my food. At one point, I maybe ate a max of 400 k a day. I was sick, both inside and out. I kept this up for months. But, no matter how thin I got, I still felt fat.
Eventually? I got help. You have too. You get to a point were you can no longer handle the voices in your head. They slowly drive you insane. My nutritionist called them "ED" (creative, wasn't she?)
Fast forward 10 years? Yup, I am still here. Am I any better? I don't know. I have gone through this damn eating disorder cycle for 10 f#@(*& years. Doing good, bad, get help, drop out of treatment, do bad, good, treatment..on and on.
You might wonder how exercise, and my running plays into this. My last dietician and exercise specialist told me they don't care how much I exercise as long as I eat enough. For me? I use exercise as my excuse to eat. As long as I am running, tae bo-ing, I know that my body needs the fuel to do so. If I am not eating, I will not be able to run, so generally, I do pretty well. If I am unable to work out for a period of time, my eating habits get worse. I feel as though I should not eat, because I am not working out. Warped, I know. Welcome to my world.
Sometimes? The voices still get ugly. Just a few weeks ago, I had to text my friend Jazz to pray for me, because the voices were so bad. They told me I was too fat to go out, that everyone would look at my gut... and on and on. Sometimes, I don't even have the energy to fight them.
I still freak out at times like this weekend. Holidays have never been fun for me. Too much food and family in one place. Too many questions, glances, everything. I have a hard time going places to eat (like friends houses.) I worry constantly.
I am so grateful for Corey, who has stuck by me through all these times, when it gets ugly, when I cannot eat with my family, when I make excuses to skip meals... everything.
If you will? pray for me. This is one area of my life I hate. I despise the fact that I might pass some of these traits onto my children. I despise what it has done to years of my life. Yet? I am unable to let it go.
p.s. If you have any questions/comments that you don't want to leave below, please email me at ect1112@yahoo.com and I will help any way I can
38 comments:
Hey you were up late posting this!!!
Anyways, I really love you Sara and I am sorry that you have had to deal with this problem for so many years. I will keep praying for you and the choices you have to make affecting everything about your eating disorder.
As a friend and fellow sister in Christ I want to encourage you in whatever way I can. If you need someone to physically drive you to a GREAT christian counselor, I will. If you need someone to hold you accountable and ask the tough questions, I will. If you need someone to just listen to your fears and not judge, I will. If you need someone to pray during times you can't, I will.
I have not struggled personally with an E.D., I actually am probably a binge eater come to think of it. But I KNOW the freedom we can have in Christ, and I KNOW the power of calling on his name, and I KNOW the healing that can come from Him alone. I have spent the last several months in counseling experiencing a great deal of healing from my Father. He loves you Sara more than you could ever imagine loving your boys! And he hurts for you when you have struggles, but he also has great HOPE that you will truely allow Him to give you freedom and peace from your ED.
Sorry I totally rambled! But, I meant what I said and I said what I meant, and true friend is faithful 100% ! (OK I am also a dork, gotta love horton hears a who!)
Oh sweetie. I will pray for you. It's a crazy cycle to be in and the past of course doesn't help. I'm so glad you can recognize that you needed help and you got it. You have a hubby who loves you and offers the support you need. You've got us here in the blogosphere too. I'll remind you to eat an apple or a sandwich whenever you need me to.
I'll think of you this weekend. Remember you are in charge and your body needs food to sustain itself so eat as best you can.
If you don't eat you can't blog, you know that right? ;)
Thank you for sharing this. I'm sure it took a lot of courage and I'm betting it touches more people than you will know.
I'm sorry you have to deal with us, in the past and the present.
I will be saying a prayer for you as you continue to work on it. I'm glad you recongnize it and that you have a supportive husband.
I think women in general struggle with the ugly voices in their heads. Society, media, other people, and a variety of other things make it so hard for women to feel beautiful just as they are.
I know I struggle with the 'if only I could lose those last 5-10 lbs.' Or 'if only my nose wasn't so ugly.' Or 'if only my legs weren't so huge.' And on, and on, and on. And no matter what I looked like, I would find something to pick on. It's a constant struggle and I try to be very careful about what I'm saying about myself in front of my kids, especially my daughter.
Again, thanks for sharing your heart and your struggles.
Putting my weird Mommy/Daddy issues on my kids is one of my biggest fears. When I hear my parents come out of my mouth, I cringe and sometimes pray. Thank you for the honesty. You'll be in my prayers.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You are on my prayer list. May God give to strength and peace to get you through each day.
Aw you made me tear up. I feel you , I obviously struggle with my own mental demons, and I know how hard it can be. I also think we must be "channeling" each other. I wrote a post last night about my addiction to food! You can read that on Monday, Have a wonderful Easter Sarah!
Thank you for sharing such a personal story and struggle. Although I do not have an ED, I could relate to your story on another level.
I often am an "all or nothing" type eater. I can't just have one cookie, I have to have the entire bag. I go through cycles where I can control, and then times when I can't. My BIGGEST fear is not about how much I gain or loose, whether I can fit into my skinny jeans or not, but how this may impact my daughter one day. I don't want her to be obsessed with bad foods like me, and I don't want to fall into the trap of categorizing foods as "good" or "bad" for her sake either. It's a very tough struggle.
Anyway, I'm thinking of you and wish you peace with this journey.
Oh, Sara. BIG HUGS. I think you're pretty strong, and super brave to not only deal with this is such a mature way, but also be willing to share it with us.
I'll be praying for you.
Saying a prayer for you right now. I hope you have a wonderful Easter with your family.
That is really rough to deal with. I have always struggled with my weight, but at least my mom was loving and supportive. I am sorry you had to deal with that, and will pray for you to be at ease, especially this weekend when you have to deal with family. :o)
Oh, and a bit off the subject, but if you open the widget for your scrolling blog buttons and change the number where it says width to 190 it should show the whole button!
Sara, you are beautiful! I have a resource that might be helpful if you're interested. I'll check the box below so if you reply to this it will come straight to my email and we can chat. ♥
Sara,
You're so strong to be able to share this. I have never myself struggled with an eating disorder, but I can tell what an emotional hold it can have on a person.
Just think, your body has carried and given birth to 2 beautiful boys and that my dear, is a gift.
You will get through this.
Anna
wow. I totally admire you for sharing that. I'm 38 and have been through so much of that. I was bulimic all through high school/college. I stopped, but the thoughts don't. I'm not at all suggesting this would help, for me, that's why I teach yoga. I stumbled on it and unlike any other form of 'exercise' it totally helped me IGNORE that same tape recorder of thoughts.
It's funny how when I saw your pic my FIRST thought was "she's so pretty and skinny....lucky!" Isn't that crazy? yah. that's what it is. And even though I have accepted all of this, I can't foresee a time when I DON'T obsess about weight. But I DO have hope.
Thank you :)
It took some serious guts to write this post. I am really thankful that you did, especially in light of our recent emails.
Looking back, I knew your mom was different, but I never knew the things she said. It makes me so so sad - I wish I would have known more, been protective, etc. What is insane is that I would have never guessed your size - I thought we were the same size! I thought you were so pretty and so funny and sassy. I never knew what was going on behind the scenes.
I know those voices too. Man oh man, do they stink. I will pray for you, Sar.
I don't see the exercise as a bad thing, because you are accomplishing two goals: 1) you are doing amazing things for your cardiovascular (and +) system, and 2) you're fueling your body.
Thank you again for sharing.
Thanks for sharing this. It sucks that so many people have to suffer from the pain of not loving how they look or what their body can do. But it sounds to me like you have a good grip on your life and have enough people around to help you when that grip slips.
Bless your heart. My Mother was a very insecure, depressed person who was a stress eater that thought a “pill” could make her lose weight and her life perfect. As a result my sisters and I are all over weight and are insecure stress eaters. I haven’t allowed it to affect me as much as my sisters but we have all came to the same conclusion that eating habits and self esteem issues were established in our heads at a young age. It’s important to me that my daughter doesn’t see me when I’m vulnerable like I saw my mother growing up. Thank you for sharing something so personal and meaningful. *hugs*
It's so brave of you, Sara, to share these struggles. Thank you for opening up - I'm sure you are helping a lot of people with your honesty! Your kids are lucky to have a mom who wants better for them than she was given.
~Keri
I am so proud of you for writing this post. It can't have been easy for you to have been so honest and open about this. I admire you even more than before for being strong enough to fight this battle! I sometimes worry myself what habits I am passing along to Reagan when she sees me step on the scale every morning of my life. And I find myself in your shoes often. Just last night I was complaining to my husband that I will "blow my diet" when we go to dinner with his brother's family this weekend because they are not counting Weight Watchers points like I am. How horrible is that?
I will be thinking and praying for you, especially this weekend when you have to deal with family. You are such a strong woman, don't forget that!
Love,
Tiffany
I really admire you for writing this post, Sara. So much to say but I'm on my way to a meeting. I'll write more later. You are AWESOME. I think you, me and Miss Kate should get together IRL very soon. I'm officially inviting us over to her house so that we don't have to attempt to clean ours. :)
I've been there and am there and it's been a constant battle for me. I can't write about it because it hurts too much, but just wanted to let you know that I think you are beautiful and I'm praying for you.
Wow Sara, I come from the exact opposite world. My dad told me to EAT MORE or you'll never get boobs. I was made fun of ALWAYS for being too thin: Miss Ethiopia was the worst. It wasn't til I hit my 30's that I began to ACCEPT who I am and learn to love myself, but I still, (like you) freak out if that scale drops a pound or two. It literally freaks me out cuz I can't afford to lose. I know that sounds so weird in your mind, but in my mind, it's scarey. THEN to top it all off, my daughter Riley is NOT built like me. She is "normal" and I am not. But she has a twisted sense of normalcy. She looks at herself as overweight and it BREAKS MY HEART! I"ve told her that "Mommy is TOO SKINNY" and she should NEVER want to be this skinny. But she's NINE and looks at ME as perfect still. I know in a few years she'll think I'm a moron, but for now, she still idolizes me.
I can't believe your mom ever said some of those things to you. As a mother, it is my goal to make Riley understand that she is PERFECT and BEAUTIFUL no matter what the world says!!!!
I 'feel' your pain in so many ways - yet I'm at the exact, complete opposite end of the spectrum. Does that even make sense? "I get it though". I really do.
I will definitely be praying for you! Thanks for sharing your struggles - I have the opposite problem, I love to eat so I have to love to run. My problem is eating when I'm not hungry. So while my food issues are on the opposite end of the spectrum, I get it!
Hi Sara-
You are a stronger person for just exposing yourself like this. You are in my thoughts and I wish you the best.
Cass
Thanks for sharing yourself with us. Thinking of you and hang in there....
((hugs))I have the opposite problem... I was underfed as a child..Now I am an overeater..I had to cook for myself from a very early age. I lived on top ramen and cereal.. So I would hide food.. like on halloween I still had my candy months later because I would hoard it and eat it very slowly. We rarely I mean like only a few times a year sat and ate dinner at the table as a family. I try to make a point in changing that.. I do cook meals for dinner on the nights I am not working, which is alot more then I can say I got when I was a kid. We all try to make it better for our kids then what we had.. we can only hope we at least change 1 thing for the better!
Thank you for your openness and being willing to share your struggles. Yes, I will pray for you.
I suffered with an ED a little in HS & then in college. I haven't had those thoughts in years (Thank the Lord), but I know exactly what you're going through. It's hard to fight. I'm here if you need to talk.
hey girl...lovin on your blog!
I don't know where to begin so I will keep it simple:
Being aware of ED and all it entails is a major step! Having the support is wonderful and all of us out here who luv ya are saying a prayer for you!!
I have struggled with food issues my entire life. I have the opposite problem though, I eat too much, even when I'm not hungry and I struggle to force myself to exercise. I have often wondered why we have such a strange relationship with food in this country. I never really hear about other countries that have these issues...and I wonder why that is. Keep your chin up, and know that there are people praying for you and your mother constantly. God knows you and your burdens intimately and cares about you and your feelings, hurts, and desires as only a father can do. Thanks for sharing something this painful and personal.
What a tragedy about your brother. I was so sorry to hear that. And I am sorry that your family has suffered from eating disorders. You have probably helped several people by posting this so honestly.
I have had this same struggle. A few years ago I lost a lot of weight and every one was telling me I was too skinny and starting to look sick. But to me, when I looked in the mirror, I saw a fat, ugly person that no one could ever like. I still struggle with it and pray to not pass this on to my daughter.
I just wanted to thank you for sharing such a personal story - I know it probably wasn't easy for you but I hope that it helped you in some way just getting it out and writing it down, sharing it with others.
Thanks for sharing Sara, I've really enjoyed 'getting to know the real you' lately.
Part of the reason I don't ever want to have kids is because I'm scared that I will do to them what my parents did to me. It's a scary thought. But, I think what makes you (and me) different is that we are aware of what happened to us, and we make a decision to not pass that along.
(not nearly a good comparison) but, I remember my mom telling me that I looked like an 'onion head' when I wore my hair in a ponytail when I was little. It's silly, but it took a long time for me to wear my hair like that. I could only imagine what that would have felt like on a daily basis and about something as important as food.
Thank you for sharing such a personal issue. I want to make sure that I don't pass on some of the issues that I have to my kids. I always thought that I was Oscar the Grouch, the unlovable muppet. I want my kids to know that they are loved by my and by God.
I think you are amazing for sharing this. I have never had a true ED but I have struggled with food and my weight for as long as I can remember so I can relate to this in my own way.
Some of my favorite blogs are the ones that can be completely honest like this post is and it makes me love your blog even more!
Remember that you always have your own little support group through your blog - my own little support group helped me in more ways than I can count to get through the past week!
OK. Look. I read this, ok? I read it and I had 50 million things I Wanted to say, but I didn't have the words and figure that everyone else that commented and emailed you said it already. So, yk..I read it. ANd I'm just gonna say a fe wthings..
Life is about choices. WE have to make them. There are consequences, good AND bad for all of our choices. But it's ultimately up to US to make the right choice. My childhood was, um...interesting. My brother is in prison, I'm not. I have a healthy productive life, my brother is a moron. Two people, same life experiences growing up - two different outcomes. Choices.
Keep choosing to fight the good fight, Sara. Keep making the good, healthy choices.
:steps down from soapbox:
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