I've gone off on the subject before, ranted, hated on it, then obsessed with it, wrote about it, done it all. The bottom line? I am sick of it, and sick of it's hold on my life.
I'm Sara, and I suffer from an eating disorder.
I have for 10 years. 10 long years. I've done treatment (um, several times) and tried so many ways to get around it, but never been successful. Imagine 10 years of never putting anything into your mouth without worrying about the calories, fat, or what it would do to your body. It is an evil, sick disease.
However, I love it. I won't lie. There are parts of me that love it, otherwise? Why would I still be here, in this place, 10 years from the start? (or longer, my dietician thinks it may track back to early adolescence.)
And I hate it. So, so badly. I hate looking in the mirror, hate seeing my body, hate food, hate planning, hate worrying. Hate it all.
Today? I am tired of it. Tired again of the thoughts in my head, telling me I am fat, telling me I am ugly, telling me...oh so many things. I am just tired of it.
Yes, I am back in treatment. I started again in March. I am a bit scared, as this time? She has threatened inpatient if I don't make progress. However, I need to do this. For myself- to empty these thoughts from my head. For my family- they deserve a better person than this allows me to be. And for others- I hope to someday be a shoulder for the millions of other women who suffer from an E.D.
My biggest hope is to one day be able to look in a mirror, to look at a picture of myself and accept-just accept- what I see.
Today? I am just tired. Weary.
64 comments:
Sara,
It's very brave of you to come out and talk about this. Hopefully that relieves some of the burden you are feeling. Talking and writing is cathartic for me and having something I want to talk about but feel I can't makes it worse.
Good luck on your trek and know that there are hundreds of us here to help you along. Maybe all you've been missing is a cheering section.
Sara, thank you so much for sharing this. As someone who works in social work, I see so many young girls with eating disorders, who think their behavior is perfect healthy and normal.
I wish you all the best in your recovery.
I'm so happy you feel comfortable enough to talk about it. I'm so happy you are getting help. I am praying for you!
You are very brave. And you're about to get a lot of other comments telling you that you can do it and that you're not alone. You're about to have people asking you how you are with an entirely different meaning than they used to. In some ways, the support and love will make it easier. In other ways, it won't. I won't hijack your comments with my own story. Just know I'm praying for you and you know where to find me if there's anything I can do to help.
Sara-
You are amazing! I can't sit here and type out and pretend I know how you feel because I don't, but know that I am always here for you night or day. You have acknowledged that you have a problem and are taking the steps to deal with it and that my friend is a MAJOR step in the right direction.
We all have our demons just different ones to conquer and different times. Yours just happen to be peanut butter, ax murderers and an eating disorder. :O)
Remember laughter is the best medicine!
Keeping you in my prayers...many, many, many hugs to you!
I admire your honesty about this subject. Keep your head held high and know that it is appreciated that you share your life. Hang in there, Kid...we are all thinking of you and your family.
I am SO proud of you for just putting it out there. I'm sure that was a very hard thing to do! I'm here for you if you anything. :)
(((HUGS)))
I admire you for being willing to share your struggle, and that you are getting the help you need to beat this monster.
Wow, that is very, very brave of you for sharing with us. I'm sorry you struggle with an ED. I honestly can't imagine. I hope sharing this will help you cope, and to also know that you can lean on your "blog family" for support, if you need it!!
Very brave of you to come and tell us. We are all here for you. We are your very extended family and we love you. :)
Sara I didn't know you had an eating disorder. You are not alone, there are so many women who suffer silently. Two women in my life have and I'll tell you what I tell them, you are beautiful, God created you exactly as you are! I'm so sorry about the pain that you are going through but it is great that you are getting treatment and talking with someone. I think the most important thing is to talk about how you're feeling about everything. Sending you healing & healthy wishes! Your friend (not in an ax murderer way either lol:) Nikki
My heart goes out to you!! I couldn't read your post without tearing up and I do hope you know that you may not really know me but I am absolutely sending you my full hearted support. I hope that you find a way to see yourself as we all see you from your pictures..absolutely gorgeous!! You are a fantastic person and a wonderful mother and you deserve to know it and feel it!
Sending big big hugs!!
Like the other ladies have said, it's very brave of you to put this out there for everyone to see! I can't imagine how hard this must be for you, but I'm so glad you're taking steps to work through it! Good luck and we're all here for you!
I have been thinking of you quite often lately, wondering how the treatments are going and how you are doing. Always know that you have a friend here if you need one! Sending hugs and prayers your way...
This a very brave post. I admire that you laid it out there.
And I admire the fact that you continue to take steps to help yourself.
I hate those voices of insecurity in women's heads. Whether it be I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm a horrible wife, horrible mother, she'll never want to be my friend, my boss hates me, and the list goes ON and ON. Hate that those voices plague a lot of women.
But, good for you for continueing to try to shut that voice up!:)
you are brave to share such a personal thing, but I agree that it will help break the hold it has on you...
let me just say {and I'm sure you have heard it before} but you ARE beautiful!! just as you are
good luck!!
{{Hugs}}
Wow, Sara. I had no idea. I think you are such a strong woman and totally admire how you seem to immerse yourself in whatever you do: teaching, mothering, running etc. I think it's clear you're strong enough to beat this.
You are so brave for sharing. Hang in there girl, you are stronger than you think you are.
Sara, I have this disorder too. Sometimes I think I have the upper hand, but I know deep down that I don't because I always get too thin. I count calories every single day. I feel for you and understand the struggle. Big (((hugs)))
Hi Sara, I lurke normally, but just wanted to send you a hug for opening up and sharing about your disease. Hoping you find strength to deal with it a little more each day! You have it in you, just dig for it!
HUGS Sara! I had no idea you had a ED but am proud of you for being so honest and open. I have struggled with my weight forever and even resulted in Bullemia in my teens. ED's are never easy but I commend you for seeking help!
Lots of love coming to you!
~Elyse
Sending positive vibes your way. You're awesome ... you can do it ... remember there are a lot of people out here rooting for you!!!
I am so proud of you for finally putting it out there! I think your struggles will be easier now with so many of us behind you. I've said it from the beginning but I KNOW you can do it. And you can email me anytime!
Good for you for sharing this with so many people, and for putting in such an effort to get yourself healthy. That really takes a lot of strength.
Sara, I'm really glad that you posted this today. We must be on the same wavelength. I've had disordered eating (not always severe enough to be classified) for about 10 years, and recently have been having some issues again because of the influence of someone at work. The habits you describe are all too familiar to me. Almost blogged about it, but it's not something I want to put out there right now...
Anyway, sorry for the extremely long comment but I'll be thinking of you and hope that treatment goes well for you this time. Know that you can turn to your readers for encouragement :)
sara...
i'm so proud of you for putting this out there and being transparent. i know it must've taken a lot of strength.
i haven't ever had a disorder so to speak...but, i'm telling you girl. weight has been something that i think about all the time for the last _____ years.
i want you to know that i am praying for you to beat this disease for yourself & for your family!!!!
you are a beautiful young woman!!!!
Wow, I am so impressed Sara. For you to put this out here, I think that says a lot about where you want to be health wise. I think opening up about it means you are ready to really address it. I'm hopeful for you that this time your treatment will work better for you. You are a kind, beautiful, amazing person and I'm so happy that I know you. Best of luck on your journey...I think you'll do great.
Hi Sara,
I think you've taken an important step already by admitting it and now hopefully you can move forward and be everything we know you can be. You are an incredible woman, mother, cook (okay, maybe not that), teacher, etc. Hang in there, kiddo. Let me know if you need anything!
Anna
I'm going to be really honest and probably anger you, but I think you need to hear it: You need to stop seeking the approval of others.
I know the roots go way back to your childhood, I know what you looked like at 17 and how it must feel vindicating to finally be the skinny one, the hot mom. I see it in the self-portraits - that seeking of approval, the looking for someone else's opinion of you other than your own.
You're wasting your life, Sara. You have so much potential to do great things, and you're wasting it fighting a war against yourself. Kicking anorexia is not an impossible task.
I guess I hope that one day, you'll finally get it that the mirror doesn't even matter.
I really admire your bravery, Sara, in opening up about this. All the best to you in fighting this...you can do it.
~Keri
Oh Sara... I am sorry. But I am happy that you are getting help, because I know how hard this is. I wouldn't say I have an eating disorder per say, but for years and years, I too have struggled with my weight and weight loss and wake up feeling guilty about the foods I ate the night before. I wish you the best of luck, and I know you will come out on top. Feeling better and stronger than before. And, we are all here for you, too.
Thanks for sharing this. Good Luck, all the best, and lots of hugs and positive thoughts are being sent your way!
P.S. I'm sure you hear this all the time but you are gorgeous.
Sara! I wish you strength and send you hugs.
If I have learned anything about you from reading this blog of your's it would have to be that you can do anything you put your mind to.
hugs my friend:)
I had no idea...you are so brave for sharing such a private part of your life. I will be praying for you. Cling to Jesus. He will carry you.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I am praying that treatment works for you this time. I have been there, and it sucks. Good luck to you. I pray you kick this, because you are completely awesome, smart, funny, and beautiful.
You know, you are so brave to come out like you did. It's wonderful that you have the opportunity to help others, being a ED survivor, a runner, a teacher...you have all the tools necessary to HELP others with this disease. You have to help yourself FIRST though. You take time and get yourself well for you and your beautiful family!
I don't know you but I am so happy for you, because isn't that the first step, admitting the problem? Congratulations and I am praying you make a full and HEALTHY recovery!
Oh I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I admire you for sharing this, Sara.
I'm happy that you're getting help.
I will be praying for you.
(((HUGS)))
xx
You are so brave and stronger than you must know, because to put it out here like this is amazing. YOU are amazing. And I *know* I've told you before that you're beautiful. I hope you believe that soon! *hugs* and LOTS of prayers!
It's wonderful that you're so open about this. So many people keep it a secret.
You are in my thoughts.
So cool you are getting the help you need. My best wishes are being sent your way, and we all know that Cheeseboy best wishes are money!
sara, i am rooting for you 100%!! you can do this!!
i am praying for you and your recovery. :)
Recovery is such a long process, but I know you can do it. Good luck to you - and know that you are not alone!
Wow that's a very brave post for you to write and brave of you to share it with us! Sending you big hugs across the pond xx
Good luck. I truly hope it sticks this time around for you.
Hugs for you. You can do it. You've shown how dedicated you are to your class and your running. More hugs.
XOXO
Love you Sarah!
ImPossible
Yay you!!! So proud of you! I am here if you ever need an ear. Continue to share, it helps incredibly!
You are Big and Brave about telling us about this. I wish you the best in your recovery!
I battled an ED throughout high school and college. I finally sought therapy in my senior year of college and have been in a better place since. I can't say that it doesn't often pop back into my mind from time to time and I still sometimes obsess over body image, calories, etc.
I admire your strength to publicly acknowledge your battle. I've only ever told my closest friends and family and that was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. You have made a huge step and I believe you have the will power to take control of your disease.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you will share again as you feel comfortable.
I admire you for acknowledging your long battle. Good luck on your road to recovery!
You can totally do it, Sara!! It won't be easy we all know that but we're here for you!
I will admit now though, that I did suspect something. A few months ago I started thinking... but then nah. Pushed it aside. Then you mentioned something on your blog not too long ago and it clicked. But it was YOUR life to share, not mine so I wasn't going to bring it up.
Honestly, Sara? I love you for your strength, your charm and wit. There are so many things about you that make me a regular reader of your blog.
I hope you will feel more comfortable discussing this as time goes by. You rock, girl!!
As an RD, I hate this for you...
It truly is a mental issue...and I PRAY your therapy works and that your RD is HELPFUL....
Pray for peace...
know that's ok to monitor intake...but not obess...life is too short...
I will pray for you Sara!
Good for you. I'll be praying. As the daughter of a woman with an eating disorder my entire life, I know it is a tough tough battle. I can tell you every calorie that crosses my lips too. It would be nice to let go.
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!!!! just look at it... look at all this support and encouragement you have. you CAN do this sara! (PHIL 4:13)
i was just thinking about you tonight, and how i hadn't heard from you in a little while... wondering how your treatment is going.. how are the boys and corey doing with you being in treatment?
just think of this as a marathon.... it's hard work (or so i've heard) and even though you might want to quit and give up (ok. bad analogy for a running fanatic such as yourself!), it is possible.. you can do it!
i love you for your honesty. i love you for your drive and determination. praying for you hun! ♥
Praying Praying Praying....can you email me please, I would like to send you something via snail mail.
xox
Michelle
michelle [at] ct.metrocast [dot] net
I've honestly wondered about this for you. I'm glad that you're seeing someone about it. I know that you can break through it. You are nothing short of amazing.
Hopefully cutting some toxic people, who fan the flames of your ED, out of your life will help you on the road to healing. It is like an addiction, even when you beat it, it's still there waiting in the wings. The self doubt is so hard to push past, but you are doing an amazing thing but looking your problem in the face and saying it out loud. I think most women suffer to some degree with body issues. I know I have, and still do to some extent. I will keep you in my thoughts as you work through this. ((((HUGS)))
Thanks for sharing this with us!! You are in my prayers and thoughts-keep fighting - you can do this!!!!! I have a somewhat same battle with alcohol and drugs and live in recovery each day; one day at a time!!!! Please contact me if you ever need to talk!!!! I will be here for you and can TOTALLY relate!!!!!!!
I am just now reading this, and am blown away by your honesty. This had to be very difficult for you to write. I hope it helped you, and you should know, it probably helped others. Thank you....
As others have said, I think it's very brave of you to be so open and honest about this. I think eating disorders are so pervasive, yet not a lot of people talk about them. I wish you all the best with your recovery.
You are so brave to share this with us! Good luck and I'll be saying some special prayers for you!
I'm sorry but good for you for getting help.
Sorry you are going through this. It is so brave of you to share this with us. I wish you the best of luck during your treatment.
You can do this.
You can do this.
It's easy for me to say sitting here in my own life. You've admitted that this is a problem, you're seeking help and those are huge steps to take. You love to run and the natural high that gives you. Food can do that for you. Eating healthy and correctly can make you feel that same way. Think about the great example for your kids that YOU can be. You can show them that even with an obstacle that seems insurmountable, YOU did it. You learned how to get healthy and stay healthy. And you didn't do it alone, you asked for help when you needed it.
You have a ton of people here (61 at my comment!) that want to see you succeed. I can't wait for you to say: My name is Sara and I HAD an eating disorder.
You can do it.
Yes, it is sad to leave but I will be back for sure.. Knowing you are there makes it easy to come back..
Have a great day..
I did not read all the other comments. I just wanted to tell you that I am here. You know this. That's why we are awesome friends. We lean on each other and support each other when necessary.
Love ya girl!!!
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