Self Compassion Part II

BOOK WINNER IS:   #16 Kayla ! 
As chosen by Elijah. Painfully so. He was all, "Why should I pick an number?" "what is this for?" "Well, a smart choice would be ..., or possibly..., or..." 




Thank you for the wonderful comments on the last post. It has taken me years to begin internalizing self compassion, and my setbacks occur often. Friday was a SETBACK, in which i LEARNED from. Learning experience. needed. needed. oh wait, that's my deal. oops. moving on. 
Once in awhile, I get a person who asks me about eating related things. Since I do not think I have the best...um, handle...on it yet, I turned to people who do. If someone does ask me about what has helped, or what may be helpful, I want to have an sound, mindful, trusting resource list for them. I know not every one of us has these eating issues, if so, they are of varying degrees, and manifest themselves in different ways. Much like my ADHD post, I'm simply interested in sharing my story. 


Jean Fain, a psychotherapist who recently wrote the book "Self-Compassion Diet," has been an enormous support to me regarding self-compassion. Her entire practice is built upon self-compassion, mindfulness and belief in yourself. 
This is what has been the hardest for me. Belief in myself and that I can be trusted to know what is best for my body, and what it needs. (Which, of course, most diets don't want us to believe either, because we won't buy their products otherwise!) 
I'll admit. I have a hard time trusting myself. The nutritionist I see and I can spend a great deal of time evaluating the reasons why I should not trust myself, but eventually her rationalization wins out. (hate that. every. single.time.) 


That's why I was curious as to Jean's path. Any one of us who has tried to lose weight has probably participated in many of the different weight loss ideas. My question then? When do we move to mindful eating? Is there a defining moment in which we realize the diminishing returns on our current methods; therefore we are open to this approach? 


So, what is Jean's story? 

Personal history:

•I gained weight in my late teens, and it was such a miserable experience, I was determined to learn how to lose weight and keep it off, so I’d never experience it again.

•When I was 19, I took a year off from college to travel.

I expected to see some amazing sites, which I did,

but I never expected to encounter so much loneliness, depression, anxiety. 

Eating, always a comfort, became my ONLY comfort, my best coping strategy.

Instead of feeling lonely, depressed or anxious, I ate chocolate, and cookies and cake.

I don’t even like chocolate!

But sweets worked better than valium. I felt better instantly, but I gained 20-25 pounds.

•I took a journey, and not the jaunt most American dieters expect to take.

I started on the road most traveled: DIETING

Like most dieters, I tried everything: Atkins, Weight Watchers, fasting… I drew the line at colon cleansing… but nothing worked, not for very long.  

I’d lose weight, then regain more… but that didn’t stop me from trying the next big diet.  

If I only tried harder, I thought, I’d lose weight once and for all.

Fat chance! It didn’t work that way.

•Next stop: EXERCISE

Exercising actually delivered what dieting didn’t: a healthy, sustainable weight! 

It wasn’t a cure-all.  I still used food to manage my mood, but I didn’t regain the weight.

•My journey continued -- I kept learning everything I could about keeping the body fit,

Eventually, I got curious about mind’s role in all of this. 

I went back to school, studied to became a psychotherapist and an expert in mind-body strategies for health, happiness and sustainable weight loss.

My conclusions… well, there all right here in “The Self-Compassion Diet.” 

For myself? I was not raised in a way which encouraged mindful eating. Therefore, I am coming at this later. It is refreshing to know she fought the same battles before learning mindful eating. 


However? This whole trust thing. I asked Jean:
For myself, the intuitive approach to eating was almost scary. Most diets give us a plan, a path to follow, a prescribed way to eat. We assume these are made by experts, and have proof of their success. Success on the diet depends on our ability to adhere to the plan. With the self compassion approach, we rely more on ourselves and learning from ourselves and listening to our body. The plan isn't as black and white, which can be scary, as we have to trust ourselves. Do you see this as such? 


Her response? 

I think you're right on when you say: "With the self-compassion approach, we rely more on ourselves and learning from ourselves and listening to our body. The plan isn't as black and white, which can be scary, as we have to trust ourselves."

There's no one route to intuitive eating. Individuals who are interested in intuitive or mindful eating have no choice but to find their own way. I find that most clients with weight or other eating issues start with and stick with dieting until it's clearly adding to their problem... until it's helping them gain, not lose, weight... until it's helping them to have less, not more of an inner sense of control. Only then are they ready to open their minds to trusting the expert who knows them best -- themself! Once their minds are open, sometimes veteran dieters have to revisit counting points, calories, carbs or whatever they're counting before they're ultimately ready to let go of dieting and embrace intuitive eating.

"Getting a handle on eating issues is a journey, not the jaunt American dieters are determined to make it." --Jean Fain

That is now my journey, learning what is best for myself, what my body wants and needs. (However, admittedly I am awesome at revisiting my diet methods. Awesome.) 


Jean is also willing to answer your questions on her approach as well. You can check out more about her at: 


JeanFain.com 
New York Times 
Amazon 
Huffington Post 
Diets In Review 
Time 


If you have a question or comment, let me know, and I will be passing it on to Jean! As well, leave a comment for a CHANCE TO WIN A COPY OF THE SELF-COMPASSION DIET! (provided & gifted by yours truly) 

Now, I am done rambling about dieting for now. My rambling is never really gone, as anyone who has met me will tell you.

Self Compassion Diet

Ahem. I've been struggling- hard- with writing this post for the last several weeks. I want to write it, but am unsure how to go about it without sounding arrogant on a subject in which I've no right to act as such. (However, if you were to ask me about the subjects of Peanut Butter- yep it is a proper noun in my book- or axmurderers I am more than happy to share my knowledge.)
I guess I just go for it!

Journey's are tough. A few weeks ago, I blogged about motivation. One of the areas I've been thinking about a lot is how motivation, specifically as it relates to weight loss, fitness goals, and self esteem. It is an interesting topic to look at, when we take a look at what are the extrinsic motivators driving us vs. the intrinsic motivators we hold.
My belief is that we too often fall prey to what the world tells us should be a motivating, what reaching goals, finding health should  look like.
Except that is their view. Not mine. Not ours. Each time I see a quote or saying like this one:

My mind is blown. Is the message terrible? I imagine it would depend on the way you frame it. Think for a moment of the feelings you get when you read this. Does it encourage you? Make you feel strong and capable? Maybe, if you are currently "eating right" and "exercising" and doing things that are "healthy."

For others? It is a subtle reminder of how we are not doing well. What was intended to serve as a motivator instead reminds us of our failures.
Look at it:
I want to look better
Why? Is the YOU right now so wrong? It does not matter what  your current looks are. You are more than your looks. You are more than your current weight. You look the best when you have confidence in who you are from within. (totally working on this. right.now.)

I will eat right.
Yes, because there is only two ways to eat. Right and Wrong. That is some pretty black and white thinking there. I believe (whether I am able to apply it to myself at all times or not) that intuitive/mindful eating is the right answer.

I will exercise.
For sure. But for what reason? For weight loss? Body image? Health?
Honestly? I believe exercise is an ingrained part of us. Our bodies were meant to move, to run, to be physically active. It is only in the last centuries we have moved toward this more sedintary life. I believe our bodies are designed for movement and rest. However, it seems as though people who “exercise” often are perceived as different in our current society. After all, who would choose to run 10 miles rather than sleep in? Well, our lifestyle is such that we don’t have to exert as much effort to do laundry, visit a friend, travel a distance. Yet, I wonder if our bodies have caught up to this rapid change. After all, only 100 years ago, physical effort was necessary for many of the things it is not today.(and back in the day? Jesus did a ton of walking. I mean, there must be a reason He chose not to have the airplane available.)  Do our bodies want this easier lifestyle?* Possibly, or possibly we are forcing it on them.
(fine, in a purely economic sense, yes, this is what we want. The path which requires the least output for the greatest reward. It is interesting that this seems to be inverting itself in some ways after only a short period.)
Movement is a part of who we are. If we are not able to do it in the “organic” ways of the past, we have found other ways to incorporate it.

Where am I going with this? My heart aches when I read about us women and our weight issues, our successes, our setbacks. It is heartbreaking for me to read blogs where women are upset with themselves over a setback, or a "bad" eating day. Honestly? It is harder for me to read about those who are excited about a "good" eating day or week.

Why? When we concentrate on eating as good or bad (which BELIEVE ME- I have wasted WAY too much of my life doing so) we are minimizing the events in our life down to food.

I did this myself for years. Years. Turned events, holidays, parties into food events as opposed to social events. What is meant to be a celebration is viewed as such only if the eating rules were followed. If they were not? A dim light is cast on the event.
I also understand the reason we do this. Many of us are emotional eaters. We realize we eat without “thinking” and eat as a reaction to situations. Any woman who has binged after a long day, stressful event, or to “reward” herself knows my meaning. Those are times when we have “let go” of what is “right” to do, and fallen prey to our bad eating habits. To go through an amount of time without giving in to these is a positive.

It has finally come down to change. Finding an honest intrinsic motivator, not related to my body, but to my mind. Ignoring the media and others.
(including the celebrities and models who go to extremes to remind us how they can “eat anything” or how they “really just love to eat well.” I would too if I had $4 million paycheck riding on it)  

I believe we can lose weight with different diets. We can lose weight with the different fads out there, by sheer determination, leaving cake on the shelf.

I also believe we can do it with self -compassion and trust in ourselves. What a diet assumes is that we don’t have the ability to do this on our own, we cannot trust ourselves to make good choices regarding food and exercise. That we must follow a plan- which they have deemed correct- to reach our goals. It might be low carb, low fat, high peanut butter (you knew I had to slip that in!) but it has to be followed. We can choose diets where we can eat what we want, as long as we stay within points, or where we have “cheat” days on weekends where we get to eat as we like. (Which seems contradictory to the goal, doesn’t it? If the goal is “being healthy” shouldn’t our bodies naturally not want the “bad” foods?)

It has taken me 10 years, and I’ve barely scratched the surface, but I am learning more and more about self compassion, trust in myself, and confidence as the true source of good body image and eating.

I’m going to continue this, but am curious as to what you think of compassion, what I’ve said, or if I am just plain nuts!?!

I also have an awesome book, interview and giveaway to include with it!

(I'm done now. I've run out of steam for the evening.) 

How DOES that make me feel?

I had my appointment with my ED team today. I both love/hate these days, but usually come away feeling, well, good and bad. (Wow, there is a clear, deep thought.)

Today? In the course of our talking, it comes up that I am a bit PMS-y right now. (not to be confused with Manstruating, like Meeko.) What does my therapist say? (keep in mind, I like her, just like I like putting things in parenthesis.)

Oh, PMS. How does that make you feel?

Well, um, here was my response in my head

You kidding me? How does that make me feel!?

Like I have bad cramps.

Like half the world needs to quit being idiots.

Like I need a hot bath and nap, but know I am going to spend the evening doing dishes and laundry.

Like there is not enough Midol in the world to ease my temperament when I get 58% return rates on homework before a test.

Like I need SALT. Right now? I'd salt my salt. That's right. and then salt it some more. Throw me a salt lick here.

There it is, how I feel right now. However, being the lovely person I am, I just responded, "Oh, I handle it quite well. I am not the moody type...*"

(*you know I am kidding right?!) I am off to go get something. Salty.

*Sigh*

Long ago (okay, at least in my time frame reference) I talked about how I had a big change in my life that I needed to make. No, not another child, move or divorce-anything like that- but rather a change I needed to make in myself. For myself and my family. I have been EXTREMELY private in the past about it- and still am to a point. In fact, until last fall? A TOTAL of 10 people who know me IRL knew about it.

I've gone off on the subject before, ranted, hated on it, then obsessed with it, wrote about it, done it all. The bottom line? I am sick of it, and sick of it's hold on my life.

I'm Sara, and I suffer from an eating disorder.

I have for 10 years. 10 long years. I've done treatment (um, several times) and tried so many ways to get around it, but never been successful. Imagine 10 years of never putting anything into your mouth without worrying about the calories, fat, or what it would do to your body. It is an evil, sick disease.

However, I love it. I won't lie. There are parts of me that love it, otherwise? Why would I still be here, in this place, 10 years from the start? (or longer, my dietician thinks it may track back to early adolescence.)

And I hate it. So, so badly. I hate looking in the mirror, hate seeing my body, hate food, hate planning, hate worrying. Hate it all.

Today? I am tired of it. Tired again of the thoughts in my head, telling me I am fat, telling me I am ugly, telling me...oh so many things. I am just tired of it.

Yes, I am back in treatment. I started again in March. I am a bit scared, as this time? She has threatened inpatient if I don't make progress. However, I need to do this. For myself- to empty these thoughts from my head. For my family- they deserve a better person than this allows me to be. And for others- I hope to someday be a shoulder for the millions of other women who suffer from an E.D.

My biggest hope is to one day be able to look in a mirror, to look at a picture of myself and accept-just accept- what I see.

Today? I am just tired. Weary.