Last night? I was home alone. Yes, just me, Bud, Sal, Lucky, and Bud Jr. (and let's face it, in times of trial, turtles aren't your best bet for protection.)
It was raining, you know the type of night killers like best, and I was alone. (wait, I said that already, didn't I? Well, the point was, it was Just Me.)
I did some laundry, which was obviously a mistake, because
a) I hate doing laundry
b) the noises the washer and dryer make sound A LOT like footsteps at times
c) the next time our fridge makes a noise, it's going out the window
As I was preparing for bed, I had a few decisions to make:
1) Leave the window open or closed?
PRO's of OPEN
-I can hear anyone trying to sneak into the yard, or a car pull in. This way, I am prepared for an attack.
- If an axmurderer saw an open window, they would assume there is a tough cookie inside, whom is not afraid of them. Kind of a "no fear here" type of signal if you will.
- Each time the tractor working on the field behind my house makes a pass, I can jump up, scream, and almost faint.
CON's
-Easy access
-Do I really want to hear him coming?
2) Leave the bedroom door open or closed?
PRO of OPEN:
-Easy escape if need for escape become necessary.
-I can hear footsteps across the floor, as well as the fridge, tractor in the field behind our house, of which I can not figure out why he is still out there because IT IS LATE, and HEllo!? It is raining? I know they need to get the crops in and all, but...
CONS:
-Muffled sounds are scarier.
Then it is all:
What side of the bed to put the cell phone on? What side of the bed to put the land line on? Back to the door, or to the wall? Is it less painful to be axed in the back? Or is it just easier to get axed in the heart, so it goes faster?
Obviously, I survived the night. Corey text me this morning asking how I had slept. When I told him the killer was after me all night he responded, "The trick is to stay one step ahead of him, Ms. Paranoid." (honestly, how am I to stay one step ahead of him when I am lying in bed? duh. Also, it would probably be safer to be 7-10 feet ahead of him, as the ax handle is long, and a step ahead of him, he could still reach out and chop you while you ran.)
I say? Not paranoid- aware and alive.
I am going to go take a nap now though. Paranoia wreaks havoc on the sleep schedule.
I am 100% open to any tips you have for keeping myself safe though...share away!
43 comments:
Sorry, I have none. I turn on the alarm, but then I am up all night worrying the alarm will go off.
I'm just as crazy as you are. LOL...
Glad to hear you're alive and kicking!
I think you are lucky to be alive. You've saved yourself with these measures.
Get a can of Hornet/Wasp Spray. Bad Guys have to be close for Pepper Spray to work! Wasp Spray will spray up to 30 feet and will put the Bad Guy on the floor!!!
You are SO funny!
Wow, if it's not The Rapture getting you, is a mass murderer!
I can totally relate!! You pretty accurately described what my exact thought process used to be. I have no idea what changed. Somehow I just stopped caring ? I dunno. Now I just bring the cell phone to bed and fall asleep.
I am, however, against having the windows open! :)
Booby traps...lots and lots of booby traps.
Hang a couple of pots and pans on each door handle. Put a couple of mason jars on each window sash, so they fall and break if the window moves. Leave the upstairs bedroom window open, but slick the sill with vaseline and embed upside-down thumbtacks in it. (Ask Corey to clean it up when he gets home. Ha!)
Finally, stick two big butcher knives between the mattress and box spring. You have one to threaten with and put down, then you can attack/defend with the other. Just be sure to put them away in the morning.
I always think it's best to hide under the covers... you kind of have to create a breathe hole so you don't suffocate -- which would make hiding from ax murderers pointless...
I think for Christmas or your next Birthday, Corey needs to get you a state of the art alarm system :). I will definitely need one to be alone in a big house at night when we move! Or, you could get really good with homemade booby traps, which I bet you actually WOULD be really good at!
I have no words of wisdom. I'm the same way. This is why I if I have to be alone at night I get in bed early and watch Golden Girls until I'm super sleepy and can fall asleep in a world where the biggest problem is Blanche's lastest love crisis. :)
I read once that it's harder to fatally stab* someone from behind. So I sleep face down. Also, I feel like then I can spring up, all crouching tiger style if someone breaks in.**
*I think this would apply the same way for an ax.
** It was a fiction book, but I think the advice speaks for itself....
I'm really sorry to tell you this, you made me smile, really big! That is saying something!
I have all manner of things that would keep you safe. First just remember to close your doors and windows and lock them. They real key is knowing where your keys are if you need to get out of Dodge. ;)
You could always keep a gun under your bed. Aren't there some local shooting ranges that are providing great deals on Living Social?
Well, what I've heard is that you drink LOTS of alcohol, so you haven't a care in the world, then go to bed. :) But I also hear that Valium works Great!! I need to get me some of those.
HYSTERICAL!! my mother-in-law is pretty paranoid too....so she'll sleep with her car clicker in her hand so that if she hears anything outside, she'll mash the car alarm button. she thinks that'll scare off any skittish ax murderers ;)
Haha Ms. Paranoia--too cute!
Haha, hillarious! Glad you survived the night.
Gah! I can so related... except that I can't hear... so I just make up the scary sounds in my head. And figure I'm going to die at any given moment so I might as well not sleep until my husband returns.
We'd be dangerous together! :)
I slept like crap the first few weeks hubby and I were living apart (for his new job) but thankfully I've adjusted but I will be so happy when we are all back together again!
No real tips, but whatever you do, DO NOT watch America's Most Wanted. Ever. Not even when you are surrounded by armed body guards. And that TruTV channel, should be completely banned!
Oh I just laughed way to hard at your header. It is just perfect girl. I watched the Lifetime (yes I was bored) movie of the Scott Peterson case on saturday night and I actually woke up all night long with bad dreams of him chasing me and my son in the woods trying to kill us! LOL!
Go figure- lifetime would give me nightmares!
Again, love the HEADER~ oh and come by my place for an awesome giveaweay!
Girlfriend... you need to give Corey an alarm system for Father's Day! For him so he knows his wife and children are safe when he's not home. So his wife can hear if a killer is after her and escape.
Wow you are a red neck girl...
and did I hear you say you would be right back?
you never say that in a sary movie!!!!
I thought of you around midnight when I finally hauled by butt to the shower. I was all la-la-la-la I'm finally going to bed, and then when I was ready to get dressed, I couldn't find my pajamas. I had to slink naked through my house to find where I had put them. They were on a chair in the kitchen. (Can't imagine why I put them there.) And while I was ducking past the kitchen windows in the nude, I just knew there was an ax murderer watching from the other side, in the dark. I grabbed the pajamas and threw those clothes on so fast! Let's hear it for sleep deprivation!
1.that's the coolest comment box line i have come across.
2.i love when it pours outside.but definitely not when i am alone!
3.http://flysongbirdblogspot.com
:)
I havent read through the comments but I'm sure it has been suggested:
turn on the alarm and lock your bedroom door w. the phone right beside you.
All of these posts are gonna start making me paranoid!!
I LOVE this!! My husband travels a good bit but I still have little things I do like leave the TV on. I put it on timer and if I wake up to silence, I immediately turn the TV back on. I figure that if it is silent that I will stress over any sound so I would rather just not hear anything!! Glad you made it through the night :)
We probably hear the exact same things when we're not alone, but somehow they seem so ominous when we're alone!
You sound exactly like me when I'm home alone! Even with a 150+ pound dog at my side, I'm paranoid!
I have to say, I cracked up when I saw your header!
awww! I'm glad you made it through the night! When I'm alone for a night I try to do things that make me feel comfort and that I wouldn't do if I weren't alone, like paint nails, or watch a chick flick with a glass of wine and a ben n jerry's chocolate frozen yogurt:) Makes the night feel worth any worry about an ax murderer! :)
I have paranoia bout some things, but won't bring them up. I'm glad you got through it all OK, and that header? Hilarious!
Awww hunny....I feel ya on this! As I'm a single Parent most nights I assume every creak on the stairs is the axe murderer!!! Hope that you manage to get your header back soon xx
oh Sara you crack me up.. Have a great day.. I did that about the chickens.. THanks for sharing..
Take sleeping pills. You won't even wake up during the Zombie Apocalypse.
PS I broke my blog, too. I really should know better than to monkey with it.
So I'm reading this at night, while it's storming, and I'm alone (well I have a cat who sits up at every sound so worse than a turtle!) now I'm freaked out. And I always sleep with the cell to my right :)
You, my dear, make me laugh! :)
Well, I have contemplated sleeping under the bed before because they would never look there. Unfortunately, that's where the cat sleeps and he doesn't take kindly to being displaced. Now that I have Jellybean it really isn't an option anyway. Although he would fit under there.
My hubby always tells me to bring the dog in the room with me when I'm alone. Our dog - the ferocious protector - who I have to wake up in the mornings to go outside. Who doesn't bark when people come up to the door - because he's still sleeping.
I am no help.
Another close call - so glad you lived to tell the tale!
Dude. You are talking to the biggest wuss around. When the hubs is out of town I barely sleep!
Ha! This sounds just like me. When my husband is away, I stay up as late as I can without actually falling asleep and then make my way to bed in the hopes I'll be too exhausted to act crazy. It usually makes the crazy worse.
What I finally settled on is wearing my iPod on a loop of mellow songs loud enough to drown out the fridge, but quiet enough that I could hear someone breaking in. Then I barricade the door.
Then I pull the covers up to my chin and tuck them around my ears and try to keep my eyes closed so I don't imagine that the shadows are actually things coming to kill me instead of piles of laundry.
I haven't been killed yet... I think it's the door barricade that helps the most.
Love the header photo.
HAHA! Your header is hilarious!
I can honestly say that I totally understand. Haha!
The way I stay sane and safe are the two giant dogs who live with me. One really doesn't like strange men. I think while the axe murder is hacking him up I will have time to run away and get help.
So, maybe you just need a big scary dog?
You crack me up lady!!! I have never met someone more concerned with Axe Murderers! lol You could always tie tripwires around the house, but from what I know of you, YOU may be the one who falls over them!
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