I am currently living in my hometown, where I grew up and graduated high school. When we moved here 4 years ago, it seemed like a good choice at the time. Do we plan to live here permanently? No. It is where we needed to be at a point in our lives.
I knew moving back that I'd have to face some different things from my past that wouldn't be the greatest. You see, I wasn't perfect as a high schooler. It's true- shocking as it is.
One side of me:
I partied, I drank, I hung out with a risky crowd, I cut class- a lot. I mouthed off,
I had an attitude, I was not the "nice girl." People who got to know me {away from my group of friends} were surprised that I was actually nice.
The other side of me:
A lost, hurt teenage girl. A girl who had gone through terrible things in her life that affected what she thought of herself greatly. A girl who had things that she was hiding, trying to get away from, and using whatever means she could. A girl who's confidence in herself, her life, and her purpose had been shattered. A girl who needed love.
Was I so different than many other teenage girls? Probably not. I just chose different paths, and didn't know how to get off of them. I knew I didn't want to be that Sara, the mean, angry one, but I didn't know how to not be her.
One night, I asked God for a way out. A new beginning in my life. Did I expect anything? No, it was just a plea I had made many times before. I guess the time was right, because I met Corey that weekend. He was my answer. He loved me, held me, and moved me from the life I was in. With his love and support, I left it all behind. I went from a {insert super low} GPA to a 3.8 my senior year. I made new friends, and I had a new outlook on life.
Moving away to college and getting married where the best things that could have happened to me. I was able to be me. Free from all the things people in my hometown thought of me. As far as my college crowd was concerned, I was the most boring girl on the planet. And I loved it. I graduated Magna Cum Laude and began my life as a mother. Here I am, 7 years later and loving it.
My rant? The people in my hometown who still think of me as High School Sara. The lost, hurt girl from 11 years ago. They don't seem to realize- I GREW UP. I moved on. I am not that girl any longer. {I usually only see these people during this time of the year, at parades, fairs, ect.}
Are any of us who we were during those formative years of high school? Very few, I'd bet. We grow, we learn, we search and we mature. Yes, there are still some caught in that old way of life, but not me! Whenever I meet someone who was "like me" in high school; I immediately give them the benefit of the doubt, that like me, they've changed. Unless they show me otherwise, I'll assume they got on the Big Bus to Adulthood.
Finally, the lost, sad Sara of yesteryear? I don't love the life she lived, but I don't regret her either. You see, without her? I couldn't be me.
59 comments:
I hear ya'. I too was on that road in HS. Don't want to get into tons of detail about who I was and the behavior I displayed. But I am opposite of who I was back then and I too have to deal with the attitude people give me when they see me now. They automatically assume I am still that 16 & 17 year old girl and that I never matured or became an adult. Very frustrating at times.
I'm impressed that you're able to recognize the difference and that you're so happy where you are now. Hopefully people that knew you before, will see enough of you now to know who you really are.
Your not alone...I went down pretty much the same path. I can feel everything you are saying. I hope they will take the time to get to know the real Sara...now that she is here:)
That's unfortunate to hear. I totally thought you were going somewhere else with this when I started reading (something like people thinking you were a townie or something) Um, I have never done that. OK, fine, once.
Or twice.
OK, fine, I continuously stick my foot in my mouth regarding the town I came from and what I think of people who still live there!
Hopefully the longer you are there, those perceptions will be changed.
Love the "Big Bus to Adulthood"!!
I can definitely relate since we live in a one stop light town that we both grew up in that EVERYONE knows our business and no one forgets anything. I have the same view as you do and as far as I’m concerned we have the upper hand and they can kiss our grits :o)
I go back to my hometown only to see my parents, and I specifically avoid any and all people who I knew from that era.
I don't know how I'd cope if I actually had to LIVE there.
Head high. If they aren't willing to get to know the new you, you know what to do with them.
Some people, especially those who never left the small town, are still stuck in the high school mentality. This is why I never went to my high school reunion and, frankly, had no desire to go back there period. I was a good kid in high school, but the girls were really mean to me. I guess I am guilty too of thinking people can't change because I still hold a bit of a grudge aginst them, even though I know they have grown up and are probably different now. I think people just have in their minds who you were when they knew you then. :o(
I went to my 10 year high school reunion and was truly surprised that most of them acted just they way they did in high school.
I had changed drastically, but they couldn't see that. All they saw was the old me. I didn't go to the 15th, but I've been told that it is worth it to go to the 20th.
I still would like to believe that they have changed, grown up and moved on and lived life, but in all honesty, I'm not holding my breath.
I've recently re-conected with a girl from highschool. I was with the square..always wearing polo shits, getting A's crowd. She was from the partying HARD crowd. In truth. I was a little afraid of her. We see each other multiple times a week as our kids are on the same athletic team. I have to tell you it has been a true gift to get to know this woman. Who she is now. We have both changed. I'm blessed to now be able to count her as one of my friends. Guess what I'm saying is any person in your small town who can't open their eyes to the new you (with the spar of old you inside)is missing out my dear.
Well said. I can identify with the lost feeling of childhood. For me, life began in college and it continues to get better as the years go by!
Beautifully said!!
Everyone changes from who they were in H.S. - you're fabulous, don't let anyone bring you down! Thanks for commenting on La Dolce Vita! xo
I went through something similar as a teenager too. I often think of the person that I was and the person that I am now. There is quiet the difference. I really want to show those people who looked at me as weak and sad that I am not but they are not ready to see me that way. So I left them.
thank you for being so open and honest. I too am a lot different from HS. I was always so willing to please people and in turn got walked all over by many people. Since then, I moved away for 12 years and just a year ago I moved back, the difference now, I don't let anyone walk all over me, and I stand up for myself. It is a wonderful thing to mature! :) Have an awesome day Sara!
Hell f'n yeah girl! :)~ (sorry, that was my other half)...
I had my first son very young and at the time, I was the "first" in the circle and wasn't married...needless to say, that circle is a distant memory that I don't really go around but when I do, I sometimes feel like I have to prove how great I am!
Uggg
But really I do not...I just let things speak for themself and let them think what they want to because in the end, I really don't care!!
I can totally relate to your rant. Although I just moved out of my home town about a year ago, I hate the part about going back and running into "those people." The ones who don't believe people can change. It drives me insane.
Well said!
I think some people are just stuck so far back in the past that they have a hard time understanding how others have moved forward. It's sad for them.
-FringeGirl
I recently hung out with someone I hadn't seen since high school.. Yea, I grew up. It was so strange.
You are not alone in being grateful for those years - good or bad. They are part of us, part of our lives and even though we might be embarrassed or proud, we cannot change the things of the past.
I certainly hope that I'm not judged by the way I acted in high school. I was a kid. KID!! I wasn't the perfect person, but I certainly wasn't terrible either. But still, I'm an adult now and I don't want to be judged by the things I said, did, was involved with, etc. when I was a teenager...nor would I judge others without giving them a fair shot at being an adult. At my 10 year high school reunion last year (we must be the same age), I was shocked at how people acted. I was actually pleasantly surprised that the majority of folks were not judgemental. Everyone talked to everyone. Heck, we've all known each other since we were 5 years old. What's the point of looking at how someone was in his/her formative years and basing your opinion of them on that? The years are formative because they teach us lessons about life. Whether or not we choose the right path to walk, the years still form us. They either teach us to move away from the path we were heading down or encourage us to continue following that path. God gives us the lessons to follow and He also gives us the right to choose which to follow. What people don't often realize is that one day, we will answer for those decision...good or bad. I just keep striving to do what God commands and know that I am a sinner. I'm not perfect and the only One that matters is God.
You are awesome! I think you should write an inpirational book!
I never saw the angry Sara as angry. I only saw her as needing a major change. (I hope I wasn't part of the bad crowd of which you write, but we lost touch, so I've always assumed I was past of what you sought to leave.)
I am guilty of expecting people to be the same as they were in HS. For me, it's a defense mechanism. But you know how awful that last year was for me - I completely reinvented myself in Duluth and disassociated myself from my hometown, but I still had a bitter taste in my mouth, and 12 years later, I'm back, and so is the bitterness. (Which explains why this class treasurer and cheerleader captain skipped her 10 year reunion.) I do not want to be blindsided again by all of that pain, and it's "safer" to assume that nothing's changed. (Although, it's pretty ridiculous to think that running into Amanda at the supermarket is going to send my self-esteem plummeting.) It uses up a lot of energy though. I should probably look into, oh, letting go?
It is so amazing to me that you did this post today. I just came back from visiting "my hometown" where I grew up and lived for 19 years. I went out for a girls night with several friends from high school. I was so excited at the time but when the night came....everything was just "not the same". You see, I was the only one from my "group" of friends who moved away after graduation. I met my husband and got married when I was was 19...{{sigh}} Now I am STILL very much in love with him even after 14 years of marriage. But most of my old girl friends are stuck in bad marriages or already divorced. It was a real eye opener for me this weekend. I even sent a text to my husband while I was out with them to tell him I how blessed and thankful I was to have him in my life....
whew....that was long maybe I should go and do my own post on this subject!
This is an awesome post. Thank you for sharing your heart. I know that I was an angry girl in HS too. I pushed most people away so that I wouldn't get hurt again. Great defense mechanism, but it is a hard habit to break. I am trying to bring it down so that I can be more open and real with people and give them the second chance that I would like to have. You go girl!
Sara, I think you're amazing. I really do.
Good for you for realising that since you grew up and matured, perhaps they did, too. :)
beautifully put, Sara! i love your transperancy in this post. you put it all so well! i sure am glad you are who you are and that God has used those situations to turn things around for you. God is not so much concerned about the end result BUT the journey along the way. and from the sounds of it, your journey has been a tough one, but you have learned along the way. not a lot of people can say that. ; )
I know we've had this discussion before, but I swear it is like you and I have lived a mirrored life of each other. Although I don't live in my hometown anymore, my parents still do, so I go there when we visit. There are still some people who I feel like only remember the trouble maker that I used to could be. Mind you, I was a pretty good kid in high school since my Dad was the football coach and he generally knew about all the parties that were going on BEFORE I knew about them. My rebellion started in college 8 hours away from home and from supervision. But everyone in my very small hometown knew what I was doing even if I was 8 hours away. And they never forgot. Well, some people did... the important people did. The important people see me as the woman that I am today.
So just worry about the important people. Tell the rest to just F-off! You've got me... I'm on your side! And if my arms were long enough to reach across the 5 or 6 odd States that separate us, I'd be giving you a big hug right now!
what a great post today sara!
So true. When I go home I am not sure if I will see any one. Last time I saw a friend's mother who was lets say did mean things to me. Then she brought up that I lived with him and an old flame. I was sure to speak up and say I was married and happy. My little one was there and it made me smile. Oh the past.
Hey honey...I totally get what you are saying. I don't know that I am a completely different person than I was back then...but I definitely have a whole different frame of mind. I am a mom. That is crazy. I never thought I would be a mom. The hardest thing about going back home for me has always been, "Oh you're not with HS BOYFRIEND anymore? I thought you guys would be married and living life somewhere now." That is such an uncomfortable question. We WERE together for 8 years - but then we realized we had outgrown each other. Now I live my own life and do my own thing - 800 miles away from all of them.
Good luck in redefining those peoples' ideas of you. Don't try too hard, though, because if they don't see it yet, they probably won't.
We think you're super swell, Sara! ;-) At least you don't have to see the people with the inaccurate perceptions of you too very often. Great post!
Amen to that! The Lord's timing is always right...amazing how that works!
i love this post. i couldnt agree more!!!!
my husband (hs sweetheart) was not so nice either in hs. when he went away to college, he grew up. he hates the person he was back then and the people he hurt then also. people that we knew us from back then dont seem to get that he grew up. he isnt the same person anymore. the way they look at him and me gets me so angry.
i shouldnt have to explain to everyone that he is a grown man and not the same person. it really annoys me. i try not to see those people as much as possible just for that reason.
love your blog.
Very well written rant! Mine usually tend to go on and on and start rambling. My mom still lives in my hometown and I hate to run into people there that still haven't matured past high school. While my girlfriends and I love to re-hash all the fun times we had in high school we have all matured much past there. Just try to ignore these people. You have moved on maybe someday they will!
I was the same girl in my high school, I have worried about this a lot since we want to move back there.
YOU ARE gonna make me cry!
I'm glad you've moved on!
Do they look at you funny? Just smile and wave and say 'hi'! I'm sure they will be SURPRISED :)
Good testimony!
This was a beautifully written post, Sara! I totally agree with what you said about not regretting your past life....we all made mistakes as teenagers but those mistakes helped create us into the people we are today. Live and learn, right? And I think that from we've been through, hopefully, we'll be able to guide our children successfully.
Well said Sister from another Mister!!
I personally think that the Big Bus to adulthood was the best bus ride of my life:)
We have lots to talk about on our run tonight!!! See you soon:)
I totally know what you mean about moving back to your hometown. We did the same thing, we moved back five years ago. Sometimes people think I am still the young girl who once lived in Houston. Also love the fact that small towns never forget and don't mind to spread it around the town.
So glad that you that you changed your life around. Thanks for being so honest and feel free to rant any time.
Have a great Wednesday!
What a beautiful, heartfelt post. Glad that you decided to rant today. I think you are fabulous and funny and now I will add inspirational to that list.
well said...we are our past and present and future waiting to happen...all for a purpose.
I'm only sorry that you had to live such a hard few years. My prayer is that God is still in your life and leading your way!
Keep moving forward.
This could be written about me too {although you did it way better justice than I ever could} and kudos to you for moving "home"...I could never/would never because of the "people" you mention!! part of growing up IS changing...or it SHOULD be!!
I ♥ the Sara you turned out to be...as I know MANY others do!!
I think a lot of us are all different than high school. The ones that stay the same are the ones that have lived in the same place, and done nothing with their lives but gossip about people from high school on facebook. It's sad.
Good luck :)
ModernMom said it so well...it's so wonderful that many of us do grow up and evolve into the people we always hoped we could be. And what a nice surprise when we reconnect with those who did the same. :)
Great post!
I take it you live in a small town?
You're awesome!
For some people, that high school crap never ends!Sigh
By the way, I tagged you for an award. I'm sure you already received it though!
When you're 40 you might kind of like it that people still think of you as a high schooler. . . oh and I tagged you.
So true. I just avoided my High School reunion for the reasons you just cited. No thanks, I don't want any part of that.
I'm sorry Sara that they are treating you like that. Clearly you have evolved into a wife, mother, teacher. :) Keep your chin up.
With every post, you make me wish I knew you in real life!
Your choices, not your circumstances, make you who you are, and you clearly made some great decisions...Sounds like you have an amazing husband!
Sara, you make mistakes and you learn from them and honestly I wouldn't care what people still think besides my real friends and family. If they can't see the real you and understand that "Hello" that was a long time ago and you've moved on to better things then don't waste your time convincing them. Of course always stay true to yourself, the people that truly care about you, know you have changed, those are the ones that matter:)
PROFOUNDLY PUT!
Amen sista.
There is no room for regrets. (cliche, I know) But it seems like if you spend your time regretting, you're mind is in the past, and you can't progress through life, ya know?
Wow, I totally loved this post!! People will eventually see that you have grown and matured and have a beautiful family, etc. I am sorry for what you have been through as a girl, but starting your own family and doing it your way is like a fresh start to getting your family life the way you want it. I am sooo happy to read this. It is my career goal to hear stories like this!
Great post, Sara! I feel like I delved a little deeper into knowing my BFF. =0)
I was the opposite of you. I was the boring, straight-laced, good girl. Boring. I was okay with it, but I had a VERY poor self-image. I felt ugly, too skinny, and had no self-confidence.
With age, I've grown more relaxed about 'things' and 'rules' and also learned to like 'me' better. I think when I hit 30 is when I began to realize that I'm "okay" and started to relax and enjoy life more.
Praise God for maturity and age, huh? I wouldn't wanna go back and it sounds like you wouldn't either. =0)
I was exactly like that in high school. I was such a wild B---. And I don't necessary hang with people I went to high school with (with the exception of 2) but facebook and other sites have allowed me to come in contact with some high school friends again and I wonder what they think. I am completely different yet the same. I sometimes feel like they view me as the old Amber. Anywhoo, thanks for sharing! I enjoyed it.
Good post and well said! I too, moved back to my hometown 8 yrs after I graduated high school. My life had changed completely and I think I'm a very different person; but since you can't just print that on a T-shirt and wear it, it can be difficult running into those from your past.
I live in my hometown too. And occasionally I will see somebody from HS & they are surprised that I'm a SAHM with 3 children.
Sara, Thanks for this one. I too have seen some of "those people," form my past and it can be so troublesome emotionally sometimes.
As I continue on my journey, growing as the Lord leads me, I know that person I was made me who I am today...and today I ROCK! And so do you my friend, so do you!
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