I've had more than one million people tell me to get a backbone in certain situations.
I'm totally planning on working on it.
Follow?
Great.
This last week was hard for me. I haven't felt like blogging, or doing much of anything because of things going on in my life.
Not going in to huge detail on all them, I can say that they involve
• Possibly having to change daycares for my children, as our current provider is going through big changes in her life. We adore her and would hate to do this.
• Finding out about the murder/suicide of the parents of one of my students. It hit me hard.
Mostly? A family thing.
I've always been "close" to my mom. She is...her and I am...me. She hasn't always treated me well. I have always taken it.
I've always let it tear me down.
Make me feel like shit. {sorry, it does}
Make me feel like a bad parent, person, wife, daughter...
Just taken it.
Then? I just couldn't anymore.
Didn't want to anymore.
After 29 years, I grew a {teensy, flimsy} backbone.
I don't feel like hearing my mother tell me that I am "stuck up, think I am better than everyone else, a liar, a fake." ON FACEBOOK and TWITTER.
Hanging up on on me, swearing at me, telling me she is going to shove my phone up my ass. (and that is normal for her to treat me this way)
Why?
Oh, that's right. I picked up my kids an hour later than I thought because our dinner out with friends took longer than we thought it would.
So, I told her that I refused to talk to her until she could act like a responsible, caring mother and apologize for her actions.
She decided she'd rather not talk to me. She cut me off totally, turns her back on me and ignores me.
Why am I talking about this? On a public blog no less?
I don't know. I had to get it off my chest. I have vented to my husband, to friends, to my father and sister. Now? I guess I wanted to see it written out. To talk it over without interruption.
I don't feel like pretending it doesn't bother me.
Don't feel like you have to feel sorry for me, or feel sympathy for me...seriously! I have many loving, caring people in my life! My husband adores me, my boys are fabulous and I have great support. Hey, even God thinks I'm pretty cool.
I guess I just wanted to get it out, and to say this:
If you suffer from depression, if you think you suffer from depression, get help. You may not think your attitude and actions hurt or even affect others, but they do. I can't imagine a worse thing than looking back on years of your life and seeing that you could have been more than the depression was letting you. You are worth more.
Me? I'm going to go cuddle my boys. They are pretty sweet, and I want to let them know.
k. can't believe I am going to hit publish on this
61 comments:
Hi Sarah! Sometimes it's good to write it out!! I'm proud of you for posting this!!!
I am so sorry.
You do not deserve to be treated that way.
And you are 1000% spot-on on the depression. Unfortunately, those who need help the most are often the most blind to their condition (speaking as someone with dysthymia).
My mom isn't as completely hateful as that, but I had to grow a backbone with her a long time ago. We have a civil relationship, but that's it.
My family jokes about me being the black sheep, but they have finally come around to realize how she is.
I'm so sorry. :-(
i'm sorry you are having to deal with all of this right now...you are a strong woman!
and although we are 'blogging' friends - i'm praying for you and all the 'things' in your life!!!
hope this week is better!!
Oh wow, I am so sorry you had to deal with this. I can't even imagine.
I'm so sorry, Sara. What your mom did to you is just plain wrong. I, as a mom, can never even imagine treating my children that way. You have every right to be hurt and upset about it. I think you're pretty darn awesome! :)
I hope your cuddle with your boys cheered you up a bit, and I hope you don't have to find a new daycare. Thinking of you!
I'm so sorry, Sara. What your mom did to you is just plain wrong. I, as a mom, can never even imagine treating my children that way. You have every right to be hurt and upset about it. I think you're pretty darn awesome! :)
I hope your cuddle with your boys cheered you up a bit, and I hope you don't have to find a new daycare. Thinking of you!
WoW...I truly have never, ever thought you were fake or stuck up on your blog. I am sorry your mom is being this way. I think you are amazing sweet friend!
Thinking and praying for your situation(s) among you!
~Elyse
I think you are totally awesome for hitting publish :)
I'm so sorry you have to go through all this but I am so glad you have other people in your life who love you so much!
Sending you lots of (((HUGS)))
W.O.W. that sounds more along the lines of how a MIL would act...
i can't imagine anyone acting that way toward their own child, especially over something so trivial.
good for you for standing up to her. for not taking it anymore. because you definitely don't deserve to be treated that way.
i hope the rest of your week goes better...
corey, give sara a big hug for me please.
I am so sorry to hear that and am SO glad you have a loving husband, kids, etc to keep the kisses flowing!
You should be so proud of yourself for hitting publish...it TOTALLY shows your character! And I think this blogging thing is somewhat helpful, since you are able to express your feelings.
Hang in there! (HUGS)
It really would be awesome if we could pick our family huh? My mom and I don't always get along either...in fact I can't really stand her. Good for you for publishing that!
I'm sorry you're going through this. But didn't it feel better to get it out? I bet it did. What's the worst thing that can come out of it, she won't talk to you? DONE!! See, no problem. :) We need to "get it all out there" sometimes. It theraputic. You get the benefits of therapy, with out it costing you $100/hour. Doesn't that make you feel better? BTW, I don't think you're a snob. :)
I'm sorry you're going through this. But didn't it feel better to get it out? I bet it did. What's the worst thing that can come out of it, she won't talk to you? DONE!! See, no problem. :) We need to "get it all out there" sometimes. It theraputic. You get the benefits of therapy, with out it costing you $100/hour. Doesn't that make you feel better? BTW, I don't think you're a snob. :)
I've long thought that the people in life who choose to be angry and say mean, harmful things to others? They're the ones with the problem. And I feel sorry for them.
Too bad it's your mom that says those kinds of things. But don't ever forget that you rock! You are my hero!
As you've read, I vent all the time. The blog is free therapy. I'm glad you got it out of your system.
I'm glad you are standing up for yourself. You are being the bigger person, take pride in that.
I'll be praying for you both.
I am sorry that you are feeling bad but I am glad that you wrote this. This is how I deal with things too. I write so that it is out of me. I hope that you begin to feel better soon and can deal with this stuff.
((((HUGS))))
It's hard (and wrong) being treated that way by anyone, especially your own mom. I hope that by writing it out and posting it you can get more clarity into this. I am so glad that you do have a wonderful loving husband and children and friends who lift you up and support you. I also agree with you that God thinks you are a pretty awesome chick :) Way to go and getting that "spine" :) As "flimsy" as you think it might be now, just keep working at it (I know, always easier said than done).
I am glad you posted this. Some people do not know how to deal with their feelings and thoughts and do crazy things. It is good to talk to someone if you need help. I say Thanks to you for bringing this out to others. Yeah for having a back bone because you did show it today. :)
Sometimes you just gotta hit "publish."
And though I don't know you irl, I would never have pegged you as someone without a backbone.
I think you're pretty fiesty.
:)
You rock!! I wish I had the guts to publish some of my feelings about my family.... I am sorry things are so rough for you - tough week. I love your back bone - and your mom needs to change or you should consider removing her from ALL of your friend lists! Virtual and real!
Mmkay-I'm not gonna tell you that I'm sorry for you, cuz you said you weren't looking for that. But, it's a crummy situation that no one should ever have to deal with! I feel horrible for people who don't have mothers that love and respect them!! I'm glad you have other wonderful people in your life that you know love you!
I didn't read any of your other comments so I may be repeating them.
I too have written some stuff on my blog- and ya' know what? It really does help. So I understand why you did.
I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. I know the repercussions stink (I wrote a post about all of this just recently) but in the end you have to do what is best for you. I'm sorry that it's your mother that you had to grow a backbone for. For me it was my sister, but I think I'd feel worse if it was my mom.
Anyways, keep puttin' one foot in front of the other, love your boys, and enjoy the start of another school year.
Sometime Sarah it's a little freaky how similar we are. I know you've probably seen my Mom comment on my blog. It's all fake...she's totally in a delusion and pretends she's this perfect Mother and Grandmother. It makes me sick. I do love her because shes my Mom but I don't like her or her behavior. Jon and I refuse to let her watch Elly alone. We've visited of course with her, but no alone time WHATSOEVER! I could go on and on but I just want you to know I understand and I'm here for you if you need to chat/email/etc. XOXO
You rock! Way to take a stand, that must have been one of the hardest things you've done! Thanks for being so open about this stuff - and for being such a loving/amazing mom to your kids!!
So I'm totally sitting here wondering if your mom reads your blog... and if she does, do you even care. =0)
I wish I had your backbone and the strength and courage to blog about half the things I want to rant about! But I'm such a people pleaser that I'm too afraid of how I'd be looked down upon.
I can think of about 10 different blogs I could do RIGHT NOW... yet I bury them deep and keep on smiling. Maybe we should start a "Basher Blog" and make it by invitation only.... and if you're invited, you get to know the username and password and we can ALL have a bashing free-for-all!!! Only bloggers, no family members or hometown friends allowed. ha ha ha
{{hugs}} Glad you let it out, Sara!
That stinks! I'm so sorry. Just know that you are a wonderful momma and person!
Being a wonderful Wife, Mother and Teacher makes you a stellar, patient, caring person. That is more than ALOT of people can handle. Your mother sounds like she has jealousy toward you. Being her daughter, I know that it's hard not to take things she says to heart, but as much as you can, try not to let her get to you.
Hope she turns her tude around for ya :-)
WOW! Vent on then sista!!!! That's what the BLOG is for.....HUGS!!
I hope this was a cathartic experience for you. I'm glad you have a place where you can vent out these feelings. I, too, and proud of you for posting this.
Oh man, sounds like you have had a seriously rough week :( I am so sorry. I am so sad to hear about your students parents, and super sad that your Mom is being a BRAT! (is it okay for me to say that about your Mom?) Mom's can be that way, and I hope yours will snap out of it soon and realize how wonderful you are, and that she is going to miss out on some very precious time with you if she doesn't. You will be in my prayers. I hope today is a better day.
It's so sad the power that we have over people and that people have over us. If only we could just be positive to others...the impact it would make!
Your mom does not deserve you...and it's okay to say enough is enough and do what is best for your self-esteem. Sending big hugs!
You're right, that's not normal behavior. From some of what you've talked about before with yuor self esteeme issues that stem mostly from her, I would have spoke up too. I'm proud of you girl!
Hell yeah for posting that! I suffer from depression every.single.day of my life! I can't tell you how many medications I have tried that have all failed. Seriously it's redicilious. Thanks to my mother as well.. has made me this way.. I feel your pain and I'm so proud of you for letting it all out. No, we are not perfect but you know what? we don't claim to be.
Good luck with everything regarding your children's daycare and the issue with your Mom.
I wish you the BEST!
Your mom sounds kind of mean. . . good for you not taking it.
It sucks when your mom is mean to you...mine has the same tendancies...and I too take it...
{she doesn't seem to the extreme as yours although she has called me a b*tch before}
good for you for standing up for yourself!
My Mom and I have a pretty similar relationship, and my dh tells me to just "ignore it" or "just stop talking to her" he doesn't get that even now that I am an adult with kids of my own, that it still hurts me. She is bipolar, so you never quite know what you are going to get. I have distanced my family as much as I can from her, but its really hard to cut someone like your own mom out completely, especially if it means you would then have to cut other family members out, not to mention its your freakin' mother. The hardest part is (and I have a feeling you will relate to this) I look at my own kids, and think, HOW, how does she treat her own kids this way. Strangely enough, she has been a good Grandma, but that may be because I really do not let her see my kids that much....
What.The..The...[trying to think of a cleaner word than whats really on my mind] does your mother think she is doing?! I am stunned. Just stunned. Yet... I am also happy for you and your {teensy, flimsy} backbone. It can only grow bigger and stronger. The first few times are always the hardest, but it gets easier once you get the ball rolling.
"I can't imagine a worse thing than looking back on years of your life and seeing that you could have been more than the depression was letting you. You are worth more. " So true. I saw a sad tweet from you this week and hoped things were OK. All I can do is lend you encouragement and send a virtual hug.
Oh yeah, I popped over here from Ace's place. I wanted to add that I really truly and greatly admire you for hitting that menacing "publish" button. That took guts, girl. I only started sharing deep stuff a few months ago, so I have been where you were and I have never regretted hitting that button. So far. :)
Oh I'm sorry!! :(
I don't really have any words of wisdom or advice but I am so sorry that all of this is happening at one time!
P.S. - you can eat breakfast/supper with me any time! You like Lucky Charms?!
Oh, my heart breaks for you. I can't imagine a mother acting this way. I am glad that you stood up for yourself. I am so thankful you have a strong support system.
hey lady...
deep breaths...pray a little...forgive her....NO don't EXCUSE the behavior, but give forgiveness as it will only HARDEN your heart. Do apolgize for anything that you might have done or said (which doesn't seem to be the issue..but still it helps), and then tell her you love her but you WILL NOT be a DOOR MAT to her verbal abuse. Ask that she think about it and call/come over when she's ready to move forward.
Peace from you heart...ball in her court!
Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!
i totally feel for you...that's a lot going on and in a short time too. bless your heart. prayers.
i am so sorry.....about everything. =(
somtimes you just NEED to get it all out. i'm sure your cuddles with your boys will help!
*hugs* to you, darling. Vent away. I'm sorry this is all you know of your mother, but I am so glad you stood up for yourself! That's a BIG, HUGE step and you owe it to yourself!
I'm so sorry sweetie! It's terrible when your own mother behaves like a child and treats you like dirt, and you definitely do not deserve it.
At the risk of being too forward, it sounds like your mother has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). Symptoms of NPD, in a nutshell, are:
1. grandiosity / exaggeration
2. fantastic thinking / romantic
3. believes special / unique
4. requires admiration
5. entitled / demanding
6. exploitive / manipulative
7. lacks empathy
8. envious / jealous
9. arrogant / haughty
I've had to deal with this with my own mother, who, BTW, has acted just like your mother many, many times.
There is quite a bit of information on the internet about it, especially pertaining to mothers with NPD and the effects on their children. I'm not trying to say your mom has this, but she sounds so similar to my own mother, and learning about NPD helped me to understand her better (and realize it isn't me that's nuts, but her.)This is only one small snippet of your mom's behavior, but, boy, this sure sounds to me like a woman with NPD! (Her cutting you off when you maintained your boundaries is CLASSIC NPD behavior; so is her unreasonable demanding.)
Hey, it feels good to get some things out that NEED to be gotten out... and not so privately sometimes. I'm feeling one of those posts coming on....
uh oh! Hope it gets better. And if it doesn't, I say you hide your phone!! Okay just kidding :)
shit that sucks! I want to say that is super ok for you to vent out, I've done it plenty of times on my blog too, it kind of feels nice to get it off your chest. Stay positive, and you will see that better things will come your way:)
GOOD FOR YOU for standing up for yourself! Use this as an example of how not to be with your own children. Oh, and GOOD FOR YOU for talking about it - you should be proud of yourself. Being treated like crap by someone who is supposed to love you, absolutely sucks. So KUDOS!!
Sorry about things with your mother. ((Hugs))
Hugs to you...
Wow. Sounds like you have made the right decision to demand better treatment. Congrats for having the courage to take a stand - and tell others about it!
~Keri
I don't feel sorry for you, but I do feel empathy...
My dad is verbally abusive, though I am lucky (kind of) because my brother gets the brunt of it - seeing as how he lives closer in proximity to our father. I am very glad for you, that you finally stood up for yourself. You need to. Now, as you know, that doesn't mean being belligerent to her, or berating her - there is no need for giving her a taste of her own medicine. Plus, that won't make you feel any better. But, you know what? That doesn't mean that you have to, or should allow her to treat you that way. It's not good for you and it is not good for your boys to see.
Keep that backbone. It suits you.
Sara you did the right thing. You don't deserve to be treated that way by anyone ESPECIALLY family.
Stay strong and know that there are a lot of strangers (us bloggers) who believe in you and think you are pretty darn special.
Lvoe that husband and boys of yours and know that you ARE a good mother, wife, sister AND daughter.
Have I mentioned lately that I think you ROCK? Well just in case I haven't
YOU ROCK!
I hate when other people have to bring someone else down to feel better about themselves...especially parents. Wouldn't it be nice if she could just love you and be proud of the awesome woman you have become...in spite of your beginnings?
{HUGS}
High five for hitting Publish! This my friend, is the exact opposite of Fake. That "teensy, flimsy backbone" is bigger and stronger than you think. I know it hurts, but you're setting a precedence for Your family, by telling her, anyone for that matter, that you will not tolerate being treated that way. I'm praying for you.
Blessings,
C~
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