A "friendly" email

Got an email from a friend at work today. Great tips- fabulous tips actually. All this good advice on how to keep yourself safe and such. I am personally a great fan of keeping myself safe. I always have a plan to ward of ghosts, ax murderers and such.

So, I get this email and am reading through it. I start to sweat a bit. Breathing starts to get labored..all this talk of serial killers, murderers.. what the heck!??! I am pretty much scared to leave the house now. But also afraid to be in it. Heck, I am moving into the police station. A safe part of it.

Read it and see. I put my thoughts in RED:

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do :

The elbow is the strongest point on your body.

If you are close enough to use it, do!

2.Learned this from a tourist guide.

If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse,

DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you.....

Chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you,

and he will go for the wallet/purse.RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

This I can get behind. Fine. Have it, it is probably full of receipts and junk anyway.

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, (What!?! why? why would I be thrown in the trunk of a car? I am sweet and innocent)

kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy..The driver won't see you, but everybody else will.This has saved lives..

That's right folks, if you see a hand frantically waving out the back end of a car from the tail light- something probably ain't going well for them.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their chequebook, or making a list, etc. DON'T DO THIS!)

The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head,and tell you where to go.

AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR , LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.... If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, Repeat:DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car.

Your Air Bag will save you.If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location..(Totally agree with this. I do not want an ax murderer putting my body in a remote location. At all.)

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:

A.) Be aware:look around you,look into your car,at the passenger side floor ,

and in the back seat (and if you are me, look for your keys, chances are, you've left them in the trunk or somewhere else like that. Therefore breaking #4. Might as well write myself off now.(

B.) If you are parked next to a big van,(DON'T- everyone knows nothing good happens in a big van.) enter your car from the passenger door.

Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle,

and the passenger side... If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. (You may also want to use this as an excuse to buy something else at the mall- better safe than sorry, you can tell your mate)

IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY.

(And better paranoid than dead.)Yes, yes, yes.

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs..

Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot.

(This is especially true at NIGHT!)(Ignore all those health ads telling us lazy Americans to use the stairs- your booty being big is better than a dead booty.)

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control,

ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target)

4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women.He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

(Duly noted. Next time I see a person limping, I will kick them.)

9. Another Safety Point:

Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was lateand she thought it was weird.. The police told her 'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door..'

The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over.

The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.

(Fabulous. Not only do I have to listen for my kids, I need to listen for ax murderers pretending to be kids. What in the world. Oh? And if you WOULD open the window? WHAT??? no way. nope.)

10. Water scam!If you wake up in the middle of the night to hear all your taps outside running or what you think is a burst pipe,

DO NOT GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE! These people (ax murderers, I am certain) turn on all your outside taps full blast so that you will go outto investigate and then attack.(with axes)

Stay alert, keep safe, and look out for your neighbours!

Honestly. Really? Now I am scared to drive, help people and get up at night. Tonight? Just going to wet the bed if I need to get up to go. Much, much safer. What kind of "friend" sends these tips out?