I get so tired of it.
So tired of seeing the pics of myself and wanting to cry.
So tired of feeling fat and ugly.
So tired of skipping out on events and such because of my distorted body image.
10 ##)%#@@ pounds.
Who cares?
I guess I do, huh?
Tired of being self absorbed, and? at times loving the damn thing that haunts me.
At what point does enough become enough? Do we truly start to internalize that we are so much more? Our dreams, hopes, and desires do not land on image?
Sometimes, i get tears in my eyes as I look around me, at the beautiful world I live in. So blessed, so much beauty everywhere, so much to be happy for. Often when I run, you can't keep the smile off my face as I think of how lucky I am to be able to do something I love in the surroundings here. what a gift each day is.
but it never lasts.
when will i ever grow up and stop being so self centered with all of this? move on?
I guess all i know right now is that I can't give up, can't give in. I'll keep fighting.
32 comments:
Very good post, I so needed to read this. I am with you on the 10 pounds. I find myself working so hard to lose the last 10 pounds as then I will weigh what I weighed before kids. But sometimes I think I over do it and my body is so stressed and tired it can't lose the weight. I totally agree with you we need to be happy with this wonderful body God created for us. Though that is eaiser said than done!
Have a fabulous Monday!
Oh Sara. I don't think it is at all being selfish or needing to grow up. If it were that simple, we all know you'd be done with it by now right? I mean you can do whatever you set your mind to...just think of all you've accomplished with running. Keep your head up and keep fighting. You'll get there!
I think that many people feel some type of disgust for something in their life/body. It's about either getting past it, working through it, or letting it go.
I hope you can do what's best for you...
First off, look at you seeing what is happening so soon into the cycle! That is huge and already shows so much growth.
I know this doesn't help you, but I kept looking at all your vacation photos and wishing I looked like you.
You are beautiful no matter what you weigh. I know this goes so much deeper than the physical, but I can see how far you've come in the words you write. I'm sure you weren't doing much running as you were driving across the country. I venture to guess that when you start back up the weight will drop right off.
I have yet to get on the scale since my vacation. I'm scared and have been a funk since I got back because my fibro-riddled hypothyroid body was finally starting to drop some pounds. So in a way, a understand your mind-frame.
I doubt anything I've said will help you feel better but just know I'm rooting for you. Hang in there girl.
Continue fighting is really all you can do.
I think you are beautiful and look perfect, but of course each woman wants to feel that way about herself and not have others tell her so. Not only that, but you are strong, because you are a runner and a teacher.
It's a hard fight, the fight within oneself. Hugs....
I'm impressed that you recognize these feelings and confront them. It's so much easier to pretend things aren't that bad and everything is fine. You really are amazing.
Good for you recognizing the problem and posting this... that takes so much. Keep on keeping on... Hugs!!!
Ask the Father to give you His perspective of you. Ask Him what He sees when He looks at you.
I love you sister.
Oh Sara. I'm the same way! I have a post about it somewhere :hehe: Oh, I found it The Girl I Used To Be . I actually showed my husband this last night because it's the best way to explain myself right now.
Anyways, **HUG** I know how hard it is. It totally sucks! :(
Oh you poor thing. Chances are you're just at another bump in the road and you'll get through it. And it certainly doesn't make you self centered at all. It's something you haven't gotten control of yet and it can be a long process. An ED is not a character flaw. In fact it's so impressive that you can write so openly about it when you're having trouble. I hope you're feeling better soon :)
I wish I knew what to say to encourage you. I don't. I hope you feel this hug from far away.
I know it's hard and sometimes you want to give in to the temptation and go back to your old ways. Keep fighting and never give up. It's seems it's impossible to not give into that urge, to starve, to punish your body but don't let it. I'mPossible...you can do it, you are a strong beautiful woman who has accomplished so much already. Keep fighting, keep believing in yourself. XOXO
Aww sweetie. You keep fighting the good fight. You are beautiful, no matter what.
You can overcome this. You're strong and you kick ass every day!
Have I ever told you how glad I am that we 'bumped into each other on the internet?' I love having you as a piece of my bloggy life.
this shocks me... when I look at you I see prefection and beauty. But what you need to do if something does not feel right to you... is open up and let it go, much like you have done here. Whatever you decide dont bottle it up... share it.
and just so you know... you are beautiful too....
You asked when will you grow up. My favorite people don't grow up, they just grow.
http://www.napkindad.com/2010/03/my-favorite-people-dont.html
You move in the right direction, just as in running. You sometimes hit a rock, or a stoplight or an ache. But you keep moving. You keep growing.
Um, prozac?
I say Keep fighting, keep going. You are a beautiful person with a beautiful soul and you deserve to be so happy!
Sending you lots of hugs!
stay strong!
Im trying to break some habits and its hard to not give in. I justthink about how I feel and the changes. Sometimes we fall back but we can get back on again!
Keep doing what you love...keep looking around with gratitude in your heart for what you have been blessed with...and keep fighting the good fight.
You are doing great and we are all here to cheer you on!!!
...and let me just say, if I looked as good as you....I would have no worries!
Hang in there girl and make progress with everyday!
X's and O's. And you'll have all of us behind you supporting you every step of the way! :)
Oh, honey. Just keep fighting back. Again and again and again...for as long as it takes. Because you are beautiful, ten pounds or no ten pounds. Don't believe the mirror, or the voice in your head.
Don't. Give. In.
Chickadee,
You can so make it through this! Promise. Keep working at it.
I wish we could shut off the chip in our head that distorts how we view ourselves. But since we can't we just gotta plug away at quieting it ourselves. Not easy. Keep working at it.
As I always do, I gotta say that I am proud of you. You are not giving up. And you are talking about it. ANd you are acknowledging what is going on. And you are not letting the ed control your every single entire thought. That is awesome. Sometimes it may rear its ugly head and try and pull you down - but there are many of us here that are rooting you on and have faith in you. Even when you don't!!!
Praying for you, Sara. I know how difficult this is!
You ARE a beautiful woman! You were made in the image of God. Keep fighting this as long as you have to.
Your children see only the perfect mom. Your husband sees a beautiful wife. Your students see a really cool teacher. Keep at it until you see the same woman they all do.
((Hugs!!))
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