No, my dark side was becoming one of them. You know, those people who are all like, "Sometimes I forget to eat lunch I'm so busy!" The ones we secretly want to injure, because either
a) they are liars
b) they are telling the truth, and therefore we hate them because they are NOT liars, but secretly believe they truly ARE liars
c) can't over think about it, because the mere thought of missing a meal makes the head spin
d) a combination of the above, or all. Any variation is also acceptable.
Uh, I never forget to eat. If I were to consider it? My stomach would certainly remind me, as would my mind, which is obviously not going to do so.
Until the traitor turned on me 2 weeks ago. Remember I was tested for ADHD? Well, I am. very slightly, not at all off the charts I was encouraged to try a medication to see if it could help me. I am not huge on using medication as a fix for everything, but agreed to try it and see if it indeed did help.
It has. I am not sure how to describe it, but I am more "me" than I have been...in a long, long time. I am still "Sara" and anyone who comes into contact with me would continue to call me a spaz. I continue to misplace/forget things, switch topics, and move really fast all the time. (That is a part of who I am, no med is going to change it. I would say the goal is to never have a medication change your personality. Unless you are an axe murderer, in which case, such a change is appropriate.)
However, rather than feeling as though I have a train station going on in my mind at all times, I have only a few tracks. Which is probably still a fair amount, but better than a station, right?
The biggest difference? The biggest shocker? It turned down, almost to the point of OFF, my inner critic, my constant food concern. It is 95.23% gone. I no longer THINK about food, much less worry about it, obsess over it, obsess over body image, self perception, ect. I don't even think about eating until my stomach growls, or my menu tells me to eat at 11 a.m.
I've been quiet lately, as I try to work through it. For years, years, I've had a constant self critic beside me. Telling me what to think of myself, what to eat/not eat...
I am learning to be...me...without it. I like it. I am happier, more relaxed, more self confidence, more drive...just adjusting.
So? I have actually become one of "those" people. I am unconcerned (for the most part, obviously it is not a miracle worker, and I still have food issues) with what I eat. Where before, if I passed a tootsie roll, I ate it. No question why, or whether I was hungry for it. Or? I turned everything else down because I shouldn't eat it, because it is not {insert healthy, good for me, low cal, whatever} here. A visit to a restaurant would cause me anxiety over what to order (low cal, or go all out? Feel guilty or "proud" of myself for "eating well and sticking to my diet." No longer.
The last 2 weeks? I eat when I am hungry- what I want. If I want to have a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of Happiness for breakfast? I do. Or? If you offer me one and I don't want it? I say, "No thank you."
When I go to a restaurant? I order what sounds GOOD to me, eat until I am full of it, and bag up the rest. Not even a second thought.
Besides my dad? I didn't think those type of people existed. (My dad is a wonderful example of an intuitive eater, and one many could learn from.) I just thought my dad was some type of genetic freak or something. Who knew?
I am not saying this is some type of miracle drug, and to be honest, those who say, "What is it? I want some!" kindareally hurt my feelings. I am just experiencing something new and different for me. A good, but strange, something for me. I've headed to the dark side of intuitive eating. And hot dang? I am kinda liking it. After 15+ years of other types of thinking/eating? I'm ready for it.
50 comments:
That is so awesome. I'm glad the medicine is working for you!!! Keep up the good work!
There are days when I'm really busy at work, and don't eat, but I definitely don't forget about food!
Yay for you! Maybe I need some too :)
Wow! Every once in a while, a drug has a side effect that's actually pleasant!
So so glad this is helping - even though it has to be crazy to wrap your brain around...
Aww, that's great! It does make sense that a medication that helps you relax and think more clearly, etc. would also lessen any anxiety/non-stop thinking about eating too. Sounds like the medication is doing exactly what it's meant to. I'm happy for you!
So happy for you. You deserve every bit of good that comes to you.
Great post! Awesome to have found something that works really well for you.
And I have to tell you, I had to giggle at first because I seriously, I mean literally, just finished coloring my hair...like 15 minutes ago :)
Welcome! The dark side is a great place to be! :)
I never forgot to eat either, until I had a job that kept me so busy I don't have time to eat.
I've already lost 6 pounds.
Good for you :) Whatever works! Happy New Year!
Wow how I relate to so much of that...what a blessing to have a side effect that doesn't include something disgusting or painful!
I have heard of this happening to people before, once they take a little medication. I have often thought about it.
I live to eat.
Like your dad, my dad eats to survive, meaning 3 o'clock will roll around and the man hasn't come in for lunch. My mom will call him, "Hon, it's 3, are you hungry?" He acts surprised and says he'll be over in a sec. Dinner rolls around it's the first thing he has eaten all day.
Part of me wishes I could be like that. But then another part of me really, really likes to think about what I will eat next while I'm not even done with my current dish.
I'm glad for you though. It's okay that you are one of "them" now. Because really, I am just glad that your tracks have been cut down to just a few :)
So I'm not going to say "yay" to drugs because I take some despite not wanting to but they make the world not spin - which is a good thing. But I digress. Yay for finding *the* balance with food. I truly wish there was a secret recipe that I could hand out for not having that internal monologue about food which is no negative. I'm not sure how or why I became enlightened but I don't battle food either. I associate mine with my running. When I started running 3 days a week consistently-like a year- I stopped craving the junk. My body wanted to fed good stuff and have an occasional treat. And here I am 2.5 years later still running at least 3 days a week and getting ready for my first marathon on Sunday.
First off-
I usually dye my hair darker in the winter (I usually highlight with deep brown or red just for kicks and giggles cuz hello? It's winter!) but anyway you should try it! It makes it that much cooler in the summer when you lighten up and you feel all sunny and cheery!
Secondly-
I love that I am/was not the only one that felt the way you did about the people that "forget" to eat. I still feel that way sometimes.
Third-
Your post kind of has me wondering if I should get tested for ADHD. I got put on Anti-depressants when I was a freshman in high school but I've done a lot of reading how ADHD goes undiagnosed in women so often because a lot of their symptoms can come across as depression. I didn't get put on an anti-depressant cuz I was "depressed" as much as I couldn't concentrate in school- was really fidgety, couldn't sleep but then would each the point of exhaustion and sleep for like 12 years or something. etc etc. There are more reasons than that but after doing some mild research it's gotten me thinking and then you posted this and it's another thing that I wonder if it's related to that.. just the constant obsessive thoughts over stuff. I DON'T KNOW here I go rambling again!
Either way- I love you (in a non-axe murderer even though I don't know you in real life sorta way) So glad you posted this tonight!
good for you!!! i am happy that you are feeling better about all this stuff.
yay sarah!!!!
I'm with Kristina. Sometimes I don't eat because I'm really busy at but I never forget about food ...that's for sure.
That b) PRICELESS!!
Good for you, Sara! I'm so glad that the medicine works for you!
Big hugs!
B xx
Good for you! I'm glad you found some well deserved happiness.
Glad to hear everything is going well and you are feeling better. It sounds like you are very happy.
Welcome to the darkside. Isn't in wonderful over here?? :)
Awesome. That's what eating should be about. I'm glad to see you in a [mentally] healthy place with food.
Good job!
happy that you're finding the balance you need, sara. i wonder sometimes if i have ADD, and then i get sidetracked.... seriously though, i feel all over the place on a regular basis. this post was a good one for me. kudos for doing this for yourself!
That makes me so happy friend!
Good for you. I'm a little jealous because I wish I could be that way but I'm working on it.
Wow! What an awesome unknown advantage to your new meds! I'm so happy that you're feeling more "you".
Can't wait to hear what new adventures you embark on as the new you gets comfortably settled in :)
wow! this is a really new year for you. nice to hear it's working for you.
Good for you!! Glad it seems to be working. Peanut Butter Cup for breakfast?! :) That's a serious love for peanut butter!!
This post makes me smile. Good for you! Buh-bye, critic! It's about time she hit the road. I ordered the intuitive eating book and am really looking forward to reading it - and I'm excited for my husband to read it too.
I am one of "Those" people. It's not that I forget to eat. It's more that I get too involved in what I'm doing to do anything about eating. Like now...it's 10:52 AM and I am finally getting around to having something for breakfast.
I'm glad those meds are doing so many positive things for you. I bet it all feels great!
That's awesome Sara! I know what you mean about passing by a tootsie roll and eating it without really thinking about it. My mind won't stop long enough for me to consider WHY I'm eating it. I just do it.
I'm glad you're feeling good and feeling like YOU!
I'm so glad that you found something that simply tweaked you just a little bit and enhanced what was already there!
That's great news. I too am not much of a pill popper but sometimes it's really necessary and a big help.
And go have a RBP cup for me too! Now, I'm craving one :)
I am SOOOO glad that it's working for you! There is nothing like a calm inner peace to make everything alright.
It's funny that one little pill can make the difference...but I know all to well that it can so kudo's for letting YOU take care of YOU first and foremost!
It is going to be an awesome 2011!!!
That's really great! It's so good that it helps you so significantly without decimating your feeling that you are you.
Awesome. So, so awesome.
I'm glad things are going so well for you. Sounds like this is going to be your year!
So happy to hear!
I took Adderall for a while back when we were trying to see if it helped me with some ADD like symptoms I have....so I have first hand experience how those types of meds can reduce your mental and physical hunger for food. I hope you continue to see progress with your ADHD in all aspects!! Just don't forget to eat!! :)
It's great that you've found something that works well for you!! When I was reading the part about food, I just couldn't stop thinking about how freeing that must feel!!
I know all too well about these types of meds. Kyle was diagnosed in 2nd grade(now in 9th) with both ADD & ADHD. He takes the meds everyday and we really have to keep a check on what he eats. When he starts back on them at the beginning of the school year(he doesn't take it during the summer)he always drop 6-8 lbs. He is almost 15 years old 5'8 and weighs only 112 pounds!
Let me know what you are taking or if you have any questions let me know....it's amazing how it can really change your lif and it was a true struggle for us to make the decission to medicate Kyle but it really was the best choice.
It is not always bad to go to the dark side.. It can be helpful at times..
That's a good side effect to have. Not all drug side effects are a bad thing! Glad you have found the dark side ;)
That's fantastic. It sounds so...peaceful. You deserve some peace after all these years.
Sending you a big Hug and a Congratulations on taking this new step! Go you!!! I think everyone deserves peace and it sounds like before you weren't exactly having that peace in your mind about food, thats great that the medication has worked for you, I hope it continues to help with that! You are a great person with or without the medication! and you crack me up with your constant talk about ax murderers lol.
Can I say that I want it and not hurt your feelings? Because I'm so tired of it being the thing that's ALWAYS on my brain. I'm so tired of being controlled by food! I DO have the book from the library, I just haven't started it yet. I'm tired constantly being consumed with the thought of food.
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!
Sometimes it's hard to say 'no' when it comes to that (whatever is wonderful) item you love - or so it is for me. Rock on for you for trying something new...hope it works out and you love what happens because of it.
I'm so glad this helping you so much on so many levels!
I hate those people too. Jerkwads is what they are. Why don't they embrace the food? Who wouldn't want to eat or "forget"? Yeah right.
Glad that you found what works for you. I am similar. I eat pretty well except occasionally I eat way too much.
Im glad you are enjoying the dark side. =)
Lately I've been really wondering if I might possibly have ADHD, but I don't even know how to go about finding out. I'm notorious for being in the middle of a conversation and mid sentence switching the subject. And that's just ONE symptom.
I'm glad I found your blog, Sara! Adding your button to my blog roll :)
That is wonderful, Sara!
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