ADHD Part 2 (I almost put off doing this, but that would be embarrassing)

Please ignore the title of this post. The part where it says I was going to put this off. I didn't... I just...Well, it involves...Fine. I put it off. Also, the spacing on this here post is driving me nuts, but I am too tired to continue. And my battery has 2 minutes left, and I don't feel like getting the charger. 


But! I am here now. (also a storyline of my life) 
For years I was angry at myself for being lazy. For forgetting items, appointments, to respond to stuff. It drives others and myself nuts at times. Ever emailed/text/twittered something to me and not heard back? Then heard back in 2 seconds another time? That's me. 
Often, I read the item, compose a response in my head, and never type it. Often, I even think that because I went through the work in my head that I have in fact sent it. I have not. 
++++++So. Basically, I was going to write about social implications, but it turns out I did more of a personal reflection of how ADHD has affected my life in terms of confidence, abilities, ect. You may see some of yourself in here. You may see some of your loved one. You may think I'm crazy. send peanut butter.++++++


For children, different active behavior is justifiable, after all, they are kids. As you enter adulthood however, you are expected to leave these "juvenile" behaviors behind. Follow social norms a bit closer. 
One common factor I have noticed in adults and children with ADD/ADHD is this: 
The feeling from others who do not have ADHD that we should be able to "control" this. Honestly, have you ever looked at a child, adult, or teen with ADHD and though to yourself, "If they just tried harder to be organized, it wouldn't be so difficult." 
We hear this a lot, as well as:


You are smart, you just need to apply yourself. 


You are older now, and are expected to do these things. 

How come it seems as though you can do the things you want to do, (or remember) but not the rest of it? (This is hard- believe me, I understand- because it makes you feel worse believing they are only concerned about their interests.) 


You also look at it and can say, "Well, you did it here and here. Why can't you do it now?"
Believe me, we've asked ourselves the same thing. 


Again


and 


Again. 


ADHD is one issue. Willpower/self determination/drive is another. 
We often want to say the ADHD person does not have drive. They are different. 


For every person who has sat me down in my past and told me how capable I am, yet how I was not living up to my potential? Yes, I knew. However, I did not know why.  I'll never forget my high school counselor sitting me down and saying, "Sara, I went through all your test scores, and you are smart. You need to be able to show this in your classes." 


I thought I was lazy. 
Stupid. 
Unable to do what others did. 


Sure, I could do some things, but others were so difficult for me. 
I would guess every other person with ADHD has had a similar thought pattern: 
"Okay, you know you can do this. Tomorrow is a new day. You are going to do it. Get it right. People will not be disappointed in you, and your life will be so much better." 
Often followed by:
"Why can't you stick with anything? What is wrong with you?" 
For me? The hardest part was knowing I could do things "well" at times, but not others. It was beyond frustrating how I could have it "all together" for a period of time, then be totally scatterbrained again. It was hard to know what I did to others because of this. In fact, some of the examples I have, I am too embarrassed to share here. I know, not only in my head, but written down how dumb they sound. And how REAL THEY ARE. 
Unidentified, ADHD throws a smack at your self esteem in adulthood. While you can see successes in your life, you are more aware of the failures. I've lived each day knowing I could do better, do more, didn't accomplish what I should. I've only recently started to even accept myself, much less like myself. I can play a mean game of acting confident in myself, but I struggle daily. For each success, I remember 2 failures, times I didn't get it right. (Which may or may not also be connected to my ED and quest for perfectionism. I get 'em all messed up at times.) 
For each person who says, "You are a good friend." I am upset with myself because I know I could do better. I want to do better. 
That is what I am getting at here. Another facet of ADHD, where we have to identify ourselves and come to terms with who we are. It honestly took me longer than I anticipated to come to terms with the results of the testing. There was almost a "grieving" process for my childhood and life so far. One where I thought back on how different things could have been. I am not one to sit there long, and I know each experience has brought me to where I am today, so I can accept it. yet sometimes you wonder...


Beyond social norms, beyond what it does in terms of self esteem. Many adults with ADHD have depression and/or anxiety. These may be seen as the primary condition missing the ADHD connection, especially if it has never been explored. I know my anxiety has decreased dramatically since beginning medication/behavior modification. (Yes, I am still afraid of Axmurderers, but that is REAL. A bear coming out of the corn to eat me while I run is not as probable.) 


There are a ton of good books out there for people who think they may have ADD/ADHD, for those who parent, live, work, or are in relationships with them. Understanding it for myself is one huge piece, and having others who understand the why has been another blessing. 


Items which have helped me: 


You mean I am not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy by Katie Kelly and Peggy Ramundo 

Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder by Gina Pera

For me, it has also been a realization that even though it is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder?

I am not under any deficit. 

I am not at a disadvantage because you can put "disorder" behind my name. 

I am not worried about not fitting into "social norms." I am learning that being me has its own advantages. I heard a quote once, which, of course, I can't remember. Here's a paraphrase. 

"It turns out, there was nothing wrong with Sara that couldn't be fixed by what was right with Sara." 

Preach that.