Ahem. I've been struggling- hard- with writing this post for the last several weeks. I want to write it, but am unsure how to go about it without sounding arrogant on a subject in which I've no right to act as such. (However, if you were to ask me about the subjects of Peanut Butter- yep it is a proper noun in my book- or axmurderers I am more than happy to share my knowledge.)
I guess I just go for it!
Journey's are tough. A few weeks ago, I blogged about motivation. One of the areas I've been thinking about a lot is how motivation, specifically as it relates to weight loss, fitness goals, and self esteem. It is an interesting topic to look at, when we take a look at what are the extrinsic motivators driving us vs. the intrinsic motivators we hold.
My belief is that we too often fall prey to what the world tells us should be a motivating, what reaching goals, finding health should look like.
Except that is their view. Not mine. Not ours. Each time I see a quote or saying like this one:
My mind is blown. Is the message terrible? I imagine it would depend on the way you frame it. Think for a moment of the feelings you get when you read this. Does it encourage you? Make you feel strong and capable? Maybe, if you are currently "eating right" and "exercising" and doing things that are "healthy."
For others? It is a subtle reminder of how we are not doing well. What was intended to serve as a motivator instead reminds us of our failures.
Look at it:
I want to look better
Why? Is the YOU right now so wrong? It does not matter what your current looks are. You are more than your looks. You are more than your current weight. You look the best when you have confidence in who you are from within. (totally working on this. right.now.)
I will eat right.
Yes, because there is only two ways to eat. Right and Wrong. That is some pretty black and white thinking there. I believe (whether I am able to apply it to myself at all times or not) that intuitive/mindful eating is the right answer.
I will exercise.
For sure. But for what reason? For weight loss? Body image? Health?
Honestly? I believe exercise is an ingrained part of us. Our bodies were meant to move, to run, to be physically active. It is only in the last centuries we have moved toward this more sedintary life. I believe our bodies are designed for movement and rest. However, it seems as though people who “exercise” often are perceived as different in our current society. After all, who would choose to run 10 miles rather than sleep in? Well, our lifestyle is such that we don’t have to exert as much effort to do laundry, visit a friend, travel a distance. Yet, I wonder if our bodies have caught up to this rapid change. After all, only 100 years ago, physical effort was necessary for many of the things it is not today.(and back in the day? Jesus did a ton of walking. I mean, there must be a reason He chose not to have the airplane available.) Do our bodies want this easier lifestyle?* Possibly, or possibly we are forcing it on them.
(fine, in a purely economic sense, yes, this is what we want. The path which requires the least output for the greatest reward. It is interesting that this seems to be inverting itself in some ways after only a short period.)
Movement is a part of who we are. If we are not able to do it in the “organic” ways of the past, we have found other ways to incorporate it.
Where am I going with this? My heart aches when I read about us women and our weight issues, our successes, our setbacks. It is heartbreaking for me to read blogs where women are upset with themselves over a setback, or a "bad" eating day. Honestly? It is harder for me to read about those who are excited about a "good" eating day or week.
Why? When we concentrate on eating as good or bad (which BELIEVE ME- I have wasted WAY too much of my life doing so) we are minimizing the events in our life down to food.
I did this myself for years. Years. Turned events, holidays, parties into food events as opposed to social events. What is meant to be a celebration is viewed as such only if the eating rules were followed. If they were not? A dim light is cast on the event.
I also understand the reason we do this. Many of us are emotional eaters. We realize we eat without “thinking” and eat as a reaction to situations. Any woman who has binged after a long day, stressful event, or to “reward” herself knows my meaning. Those are times when we have “let go” of what is “right” to do, and fallen prey to our bad eating habits. To go through an amount of time without giving in to these is a positive.
It has finally come down to change. Finding an honest intrinsic motivator, not related to my body, but to my mind. Ignoring the media and others.
(including the celebrities and models who go to extremes to remind us how they can “eat anything” or how they “really just love to eat well.” I would too if I had $4 million paycheck riding on it)
I believe we can lose weight with different diets. We can lose weight with the different fads out there, by sheer determination, leaving cake on the shelf.
I also believe we can do it with self -compassion and trust in ourselves. What a diet assumes is that we don’t have the ability to do this on our own, we cannot trust ourselves to make good choices regarding food and exercise. That we must follow a plan- which they have deemed correct- to reach our goals. It might be low carb, low fat, high peanut butter (you knew I had to slip that in!) but it has to be followed. We can choose diets where we can eat what we want, as long as we stay within points, or where we have “cheat” days on weekends where we get to eat as we like. (Which seems contradictory to the goal, doesn’t it? If the goal is “being healthy” shouldn’t our bodies naturally not want the “bad” foods?)
It has taken me 10 years, and I’ve barely scratched the surface, but I am learning more and more about self compassion, trust in myself, and confidence as the true source of good body image and eating.
I’m going to continue this, but am curious as to what you think of compassion, what I’ve said, or if I am just plain nuts!?!
I also have an awesome book, interview and giveaway to include with it!
I guess I just go for it!
Journey's are tough. A few weeks ago, I blogged about motivation. One of the areas I've been thinking about a lot is how motivation, specifically as it relates to weight loss, fitness goals, and self esteem. It is an interesting topic to look at, when we take a look at what are the extrinsic motivators driving us vs. the intrinsic motivators we hold.
My belief is that we too often fall prey to what the world tells us should be a motivating, what reaching goals, finding health should look like.
Except that is their view. Not mine. Not ours. Each time I see a quote or saying like this one:
My mind is blown. Is the message terrible? I imagine it would depend on the way you frame it. Think for a moment of the feelings you get when you read this. Does it encourage you? Make you feel strong and capable? Maybe, if you are currently "eating right" and "exercising" and doing things that are "healthy."
For others? It is a subtle reminder of how we are not doing well. What was intended to serve as a motivator instead reminds us of our failures.
Look at it:
I want to look better
Why? Is the YOU right now so wrong? It does not matter what your current looks are. You are more than your looks. You are more than your current weight. You look the best when you have confidence in who you are from within. (totally working on this. right.now.)
I will eat right.
Yes, because there is only two ways to eat. Right and Wrong. That is some pretty black and white thinking there. I believe (whether I am able to apply it to myself at all times or not) that intuitive/mindful eating is the right answer.
I will exercise.
For sure. But for what reason? For weight loss? Body image? Health?
Honestly? I believe exercise is an ingrained part of us. Our bodies were meant to move, to run, to be physically active. It is only in the last centuries we have moved toward this more sedintary life. I believe our bodies are designed for movement and rest. However, it seems as though people who “exercise” often are perceived as different in our current society. After all, who would choose to run 10 miles rather than sleep in? Well, our lifestyle is such that we don’t have to exert as much effort to do laundry, visit a friend, travel a distance. Yet, I wonder if our bodies have caught up to this rapid change. After all, only 100 years ago, physical effort was necessary for many of the things it is not today.(and back in the day? Jesus did a ton of walking. I mean, there must be a reason He chose not to have the airplane available.) Do our bodies want this easier lifestyle?* Possibly, or possibly we are forcing it on them.
(fine, in a purely economic sense, yes, this is what we want. The path which requires the least output for the greatest reward. It is interesting that this seems to be inverting itself in some ways after only a short period.)
Movement is a part of who we are. If we are not able to do it in the “organic” ways of the past, we have found other ways to incorporate it.
Where am I going with this? My heart aches when I read about us women and our weight issues, our successes, our setbacks. It is heartbreaking for me to read blogs where women are upset with themselves over a setback, or a "bad" eating day. Honestly? It is harder for me to read about those who are excited about a "good" eating day or week.
Why? When we concentrate on eating as good or bad (which BELIEVE ME- I have wasted WAY too much of my life doing so) we are minimizing the events in our life down to food.
I did this myself for years. Years. Turned events, holidays, parties into food events as opposed to social events. What is meant to be a celebration is viewed as such only if the eating rules were followed. If they were not? A dim light is cast on the event.
I also understand the reason we do this. Many of us are emotional eaters. We realize we eat without “thinking” and eat as a reaction to situations. Any woman who has binged after a long day, stressful event, or to “reward” herself knows my meaning. Those are times when we have “let go” of what is “right” to do, and fallen prey to our bad eating habits. To go through an amount of time without giving in to these is a positive.
It has finally come down to change. Finding an honest intrinsic motivator, not related to my body, but to my mind. Ignoring the media and others.
(including the celebrities and models who go to extremes to remind us how they can “eat anything” or how they “really just love to eat well.” I would too if I had $4 million paycheck riding on it)
I believe we can lose weight with different diets. We can lose weight with the different fads out there, by sheer determination, leaving cake on the shelf.
I also believe we can do it with self -compassion and trust in ourselves. What a diet assumes is that we don’t have the ability to do this on our own, we cannot trust ourselves to make good choices regarding food and exercise. That we must follow a plan- which they have deemed correct- to reach our goals. It might be low carb, low fat, high peanut butter (you knew I had to slip that in!) but it has to be followed. We can choose diets where we can eat what we want, as long as we stay within points, or where we have “cheat” days on weekends where we get to eat as we like. (Which seems contradictory to the goal, doesn’t it? If the goal is “being healthy” shouldn’t our bodies naturally not want the “bad” foods?)
It has taken me 10 years, and I’ve barely scratched the surface, but I am learning more and more about self compassion, trust in myself, and confidence as the true source of good body image and eating.
I’m going to continue this, but am curious as to what you think of compassion, what I’ve said, or if I am just plain nuts!?!
I also have an awesome book, interview and giveaway to include with it!
(I'm done now. I've run out of steam for the evening.)
39 comments:
I think you speak very wise words, Sara. We are much too hard on ourselves and place more expectations upon ourselves than anyone.
I agree with Kristina. I'm extremely hard on myself and would love to give myself a break, but it's so hard to stop that negative inner monologue.
"I will EARN my body"? I really hate that line. Does that mean if you don't do all those things, you haven't earned the right to inhabit your own body? That if you're struggling with any of those things you need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and magically transform yourself?
I think women (and men) in general need a LOT more education about what is healthy, and how to "eat right" and exercise, because to gain that self compassion when it comes to weight loss you have to be armed with knowledge. You're so right that people lose the ability to trust their own common sense when they start following the fad diets where everything's planned out for them. So many times I've heard people say they're following the latest diet because "it's supposed to be really good". Not because they've used their own common sense and knowledge about nutrition to make an educated decision. GAH! Long comment. Can you tell this topic drives me nuts? In our culture, there's so much emphasis on the things in that quote, but very little emphasis on how to do those things in a healthy way with confidence and a strong sense of self worth and compassion.
Your words are wise. I've spent years failing to retrain my brain to think this way. See, that's the hard part. *Knowing* the truth doesn't make *living* that truth easier. I'm looking forward to reading more of your thoughts on this.
Diets are silly. The idea of a very strict set of rules that dictate what you can and can't eat seems retarded. I just try to stick to moderation. The minute I try to place a single restriction on my 'diet' is when I plow through an entire bag of chips. None of it is healthy- physically or mentally. Kudos to you for breaking past this. Keep it up, you're doing awesome!
WOW!! You've been quite profound lately. :) It boggles my mind to how hard we are on ourselves.
I think you're right on. We totally let society dictate how we should look instead of being comfortable in our own skin. I have NEVER been happy with my weight - even when I weighed 105 lbs in high school! I always look back at pictures and instead of focusing on how much fun we were having, look to see where I can criticize myself. Do I have a zit, am I fat, stupid look on my face, etc.
Sad, so sad. Thanks for helping me remember that my self worth, esteem, etc isn't based on how I look, but how confident I am in WHO I am :)
"Earn our bodies" - what a bunch of crap. How about respect our bodies? Absolutely we need to be aware of what we're eating and aim for an overall healthy lifestyle. But, like you, I've struggled with making food too important. And I've gone from one extreme to the other in my relationship with food. Either way, it's no way to live. I feel like I'm finally getting back to a middle ground where I can eat smart most of the time and then enjoy myself without feeling bad about it from time to time too. I hate knowing so many other people are heartbroken over body image, food, etc.
And you are doing AWESOME!!
I just read The Beauty Myth my Naomi Wolf and it really goes into depth about these issues. I think all women should read it at some point in their lives. It's 20 years old but still very relevant (and true) today...much more so because of America's obsession with looks and weight.
Very profound and thought-provoking post, Sara.
We are much too hard with ourselves...I have struggled for so many years with being hard to myself.
I think the key is to accept ourselves exactly as we are,
and tell ourselves everyday: hey, you are a unique person!
Life is far to short.
You're doing great, my sweet friend.
B xx
You know what, Sara? Every single time I think I have it figured out, I slip, and I realize I don't. I hope I get to where you are some day. I'm struggling.
Luv you!
"self -compassion and trust in ourselves"--those are words I need to concentrate on. Trust in myself---I can do that!!
I love reading your posts lately. They make me think, which is always a good thing. I think you are right that too often we don't trust ourselves. I can't count the number of times I've thought doing xyz was not a good thing and yet continued to do it.
I think we need to place more emphasis on being happy with who we are rather than who we should be. I think healthy matters and part of being healthy means viewing ourselves in a positive light.
So where is the line when one has all these issues and develops an eating disorder. Can you feel this way w/out a disorder?
I've finally learned that if i mess up once (or fifteen times) it is okay to just keep moving forward. I used to think that once I messed up, all hope was lost and I had to start all over again, feeling discouraged and anxious. I think what you said about trusting yourself and being kinder to yourself is such wise advice.
I think you're on to something, Sara. I know that I can be too hard on myself. I know what I NEED to do in order to be healthy. But knowing a thing and actually following through don't seem to happen for me.
I don't need a diet. I need a shrink.
Sara, thank you so much for a fabulous post. It gives us all a little to think about and it gets us motivated.
Blessings!
I wholeheartedly agree with you. There is too much pressure on "good" food and "bad" food. Calories are calories. Sometimes you want a cookie or two and you should have them. You shouldn't have the box, because that's not really what your body wants. Your emotions may want it.
People (women) have historically been told to not trust their bodies. (Childbirth becoming doctor centric, anyone?) So why would we trust it to hear what it wants to eat.
I'm finally at a place where I eat healthy but I'm not worried about the treats I have - because I have them in moderation. It was hard at first (heck it's still hard -that's why I don't buy or make cookies - I will eat them all) but my body doesn't crave the junk anymore. I started because I was training properly for a half marathon and I felt the difference in my runs from when I ate healthy and when I ate too much of the stuff my body didn't need to fuel.
Food is fuel. We can enjoy it, but ultimately we need to give it the stuff it needs to do the things we *want* our body to do.
Trust your bodies. They're pretty smart.
Amazing post for sure.. I love what you had to say. It is so hard to get things on track and stay there. Then we have our issues like you said.. Oh may.. Keep going strong..
I'm in one of the valleys at the moment, in a shaddow, so it is hard for me to comment on this right now. I struggle every day and feel like such a failure when I give in and eat wheat I know I shouldn't or when I look at my gym bag, sitting in my cubicle gathering dust at the moment.
GAH. I think a bunch of women just yelled AMEN to your post... because I sure felt like it.
How on earth do we get so hard on ourselves anyway? Life has changed so much from the early ages when being STRONG was better than being thin.
i have finally come to a point in my life where i basically want to exercise to stay healthy (as in, keep my muscles from atrophying!) and i eat what i enjoy. i hate the idea of diets and have really just gone with the whole "eat in moderation" plan. if i want a cookie after dinner, i have a cookie. if i want an extra slice of pizza, i get an extra slice of pizza. my brain is too tired most days to count calories anyways! sure, i think about losing a few more baby pounds sometimes....but in the end, my husband loves me, my kids love me, and i can fit into the clothes that i have in my closet. that's enough for me!
I agree. I think we are definitely setting ourselves up for failure to have such high, unreasonable expectations of our diet and energy. I know I, for one, definitely eat a ton of stuff that is in that gray area. More than I'd like to admit.
It breaks my heart too. Wish it wasn't such a problem among us women. We shouldn't feel so guilty about every little thing we put into our mouths. I love to enjoy food, and I don't allow myself to get caught up in calorie counting anymore like I used to. I try to stay healthy and I believe that regular cleansing is a healthy way to go. The rest of the time I just enjoy what ever the heck I want :)
You're definitely on to something lady. I'm so much more successful with my workouts when I'm happy with myself and doing it to be healthy!
I actually like the sign. But thats because I am comfortable with my body and I know my eating habits. I aim to eat healthy 85 to 90% of the time. And I try to exercise for an hour everyday. If I miss one, like I did today I dont beat myself up over it. I actually like the saying "Earn my body", because it takes work to take care of yourself. Its not easy, theres no quick fix. Anyways, I guess how you view this sign or any other sign is directly related to how you feel about yourself.
Great topic and great writing! I love that you wrote about this! I truly believe that everyone must eat and exercise according to their own body type and what they feel is right. Some feel being vegetarian is the best, some feel eating meat, but I think whatever works for them as their own person should be followed. Personally I don't believe in diets. I believe in eating and exercising according to the seasons, so in winter eating more meats, cooked foods, soups, exercising less, staying warm and in the summer eating more salads, fruits, juices, exercising more and keeping cool. But thats just what works for me! I like the sign too because I think it takes work to be healthy, lazy people, unfortunately unless like you said w/celebrities they have a million dollar budget to hire someone to shop and cook for them, usually aren't healthy because they just don't care enough or know how to care enough so I agree that we have to earn our bodies in the modern world we live in today.
This is a wonderful post, and I agree with what you wrote. I think we are much too hard on ourselves, and expect too much. I've been in that position.
Happy St. Patty's day..
Self compassion sounds good. I also beat myself up for years on the "good" vs "bad" eating. I think my pregnancies took care of that for me, though. And the interesting thing is, I don't think guys think the same way. If they want to eat something indulgent, they just cut back. Or work out more. Or forget about it. No self-flagellation for them.
I think some people have a healthy attitude with food and with exercise. I think many people struggle with diet and eating right and working out, though. The biggest problem I have is thinking that when I'm on a diet, I'm on a diet, and when I'm not, I can eat whatever I want without worrying about a thing. Then I gain all my weight back and it's a non-stop battle. I hate it! I'm trying to change... slowly. To learn how eat without thinking it's a diet or a binge-fest - and to work out more regularly. I want to FEEL BETTER!
Have a great weekend..
I am definitely one of those who has struggled with this ALL MY LIFE. At one point I liked myself but didn't love myself and was sort of overweight and tried every diet and realized something was wrong when I was eating bacon wrapped fried cheddar cheese on the Atkins diet. Then I had very close to an eating disorder and took diet pills and was the skinniest ever but I still wasn't happy. Then I didn't care at all and I ate got in big big trouble with my weight and just felt yucky and tired and overweight and closed myself off from the world. Then, one day I started exercising and eating healthy and dropping weight and it became about reaching goals and feeling better about myself. Getting closer to the inner happiness and confidence but still not there. I still struggle though with the "internal" part of it. Will I be good or fast enough if I weigh more? And if I go over my 1200 calories have I failed in this goal? The feelings of being "bad" as opposed to being "good". My frustration that the holidays are "food-centered" and how my whole family celebrates everything with food and gravies and meats and sauces and desserts. It is such a fine, fine line that I haven't been able to find the balance in at all. Do I throw all caution to the wind and "celebrate?" Even though having all those foods does not make me feel good about myself? Desperately trying to remove food's importance even though it is everywhere? Self-indulgent is a slippery slope for me because there is fear I'll end up as portly and unhappy as I once was. I don't know the answer but your post is right, it is something to ponder and find balance in, definitely finding happiness and confidence within ourselves is the key to the overall picture. I find that with crossing a finish line (which also requires some degree of all the aforementioned food issues.) I'm talking in circles so clearly I have not even come close to the answer myself. :) The journey is quite a journey.
As you probably know, your post is a timely one for me with my recent food revamp.
Yes we are hard on ourselves. Yes i am hard on myself and I think I'm getting better. But I haven't been respecting myself with the best food lately and Im paying the price primarily with extreme exhaustion. Could I live and be happy carrying extra 7 lbs? Hell yes. But the fatigue is what I need to be rid of.
I really dislike that line. I've been over weight forever and I feel that's telling me that I deserve this body!!! Maybe I do but I'm fairly healthy and run marathons, I'm not sure that I need a diet and a size 0 body to validate me! Also celbrities that talk about how they eat massive amounts are full of shit and annoy me more!!! :-)
Wow! That's some deep stuff lady!... you speak the truth though. Honestly, I have come to hate the word diet.... like you said it's sad when someone gets all down on themselves when they have a "bad" or "good" when referring to food. I like to eat!! And I like food but I don't make food what my day revolves around. So I don't think dieting is a good word or a good practice.... my opinion is it should be a life style. There are "good" lifestyles and "bad" ones... but at the same time, some styles are better for different people.
Oh you are so smart Sara!
Yes, I believe we are so much more then our looks....doesn't mean I don't want to look my best:) *blush
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