Observations (and I'm not quite enough)

Some illnesses are shrouded in a bit more "mystery" than others, with eating disorders being top among these. The very nature of an ED is to be secretive, not talk about the symptoms, and to hide whatever possible. Which is not always good (okay, probably never good) as it makes it harder for others to understand what we are going through. You can only be so empathetic to something you only partly understand, right? As with an "addiction" this is what we do. Who wants to admit to their weaknesses? Admit to the world the pull this has over them? And, when you are actively engaging in symptom use, having others know what you are going through and hold you accountable only gets in the way. 


Many of you have probably looked at pictures of me and thought, "She doesn't look like she has an eating disorder. She is pretty normal size, could even lose some." And you know? I thought the same thing. Like there is some sort of "ideal eating disorder shape" you must obtain before you are able to really be credible with your illness. 
Today, I was told (by a well meaning person) that I do not appear "sick, or unhealthy, like I need treatment." 


Damn, that hurts. It also sends my ed into a tailspin of happiness, throwing thought after thought at me that I need to embrace the illness in order to appear more ill, and truly deserve the title as having an ED. 

And? I have thought the same thing about others. One post I wanted to write about was my observations regarding those I see at the center I am in. My first few visits? EVERY.SINGLE.PERSON. in the waiting room was obese. NOT ONE small, too thin, nervous anorexic in the lot. Now? I am actually more surprised to see a very thin person than not. (which obviously correlates with our "super size" society and the push to consume too much) 

What might you see walking into the waiting room and spending an hour sitting there to observe? 

• Women- of all ages. I checked in behind an overweight woman who was in her late 60's- early 70's yesterday. There are times when I am the youngest person in the waiting room- by at least 10 years. 


• Men- every age, shape, and variety you could ever imagine. I am still shocked at times at the types (think construction men wearing work boots) who are checking in for them self. 

• Every shape imaginable. From people who have to use a wheelchair for mobility to the other extreme. I still shake my head when I find myself in disbelief at someone I see there, because by now? I should be used to it. 

Because we all deserve health. The opportunity to regain health does not mean each individual has to hit the same point on a spectrum. (Hence, why one would view it as a spectrum...just saying.) 

I'm saddened by the fact that others would believe certain criteria need to be met in order to justify help. (especially when those are 100% visual criteria) Each an every one of us- every one of you reading this- all have the "right" to have a condition, whether you "look" it or not. I question how many people turn away from the programs, afraid to walk in the door for this very reason. Because that is just plain sad. 


I have never seen myself as a person to set out and change perspectives, but if just standing up and saying, "I am enough" does so, good. I'm doing this for myself, my family, my health, my future, for each person who believes in me. And each of those on their own is enough. They don't even care that I am "not sick enough." 


--thus ends current rant. Will be around to visit you all soon...this crap takes up a good portion of my time..!