And where I teach? If you were to believe the parents, we have the highest per capita density of geniuses in the country. (I can’t figure out why our test scores and grades don’t correlate…)
I guess my question is… When did average become too low? When did it not become enough for our children to be well adjusted, friendly, hard working, sometimes struggling, yet achieving students? When did it not become enough to know that your child did well, but may not always be at the top of their class? That they may struggle with reading, but are putting forth the best effort they can?
Every year, I have parents who tell me how many books their child read over the summer, how many projects they did, what accomplishments they did… am I impressed? Sometimes.
Sometimes I just laugh when the parents kick their child as they say, "TELL your teacher HOW MANY books you read this summer, TELL HER.”
Don’t get me wrong- I think all students have great abilities. Each one has their own area in which they shine. I have one student who struggles terribly in all subject areas. But? Ask her anything about horses and she can tell you. That is her strength area. She’ll never be a doctor, teacher or scientist, but? She may be a fantastic horse whisperer (and she is not afraid of big horse poop either)
My oldest? He is bright. And yes, I can say that, and sometimes wish I couldn’t. Corey and I always though he was bright (duh.) It wasn’t until other people, parents, principals, teachers, doctors, ect. started to tell us that when we really understood. Is he a genius? No. Just bright.
And sometimes I wish he wasn’t.
It started when he was in preschool. He had a hard time relating to other students. They want to talk about Spiderman, he wants to talk about rouge waves and how they can affect the coastline. They want to play with airplanes, he wants to explain how the vents on the wings help to keep it aloft and how the jet engines work. They don’t get him. He doesn’t get them.
He has trouble making friends. He doesn’t know how to start a friendship, a conversation. He spends his time designing new cruise ships, drawing and scouring the internet for facts on his favorite subjects.
He constantly barrages us with questions that we can hardly answer.
The worst? He sometimes gets terribly depressed at his little life. He worries about not having friends, he worries that he is not good enough, he gets bored at school, he has anxiety about new things. We hate it.
The worst? He sometimes gets terribly depressed at his little life. He worries about not having friends, he worries that he is not good enough, he gets bored at school, he has anxiety about new things. We hate it.
After numerous talks with teachers, doctors, ect, they all say the same thing. “Your son is bright. He just works on a different level than other students. It may take them awhile to “get” him and understand him.” One teacher said he might even out around 3rd grade, but it will be difficult until then. We’ll have to take each day as it comes and work through situations.
I struggle constantly with feeling that I am not providing him with enough enrichment activities, not stimulating him enough.
Can’t he just go crash some cars together?!!
But I am proud. Each time I hear a person say, “Wow, that is some child you have there!” or “Pretty amazing kid, I can’t believe what he knows.” I feel twin pangs of pride and pain. Pride at his ability, pain that it makes him different from others. I know that as he ages, it will become easier. I just want him to settle in with a group of friends that get him and embrace who he is. I love that he is different from others, unique, but it makes it hard on him.
But I am proud. Each time I hear a person say, “Wow, that is some child you have there!” or “Pretty amazing kid, I can’t believe what he knows.” I feel twin pangs of pride and pain. Pride at his ability, pain that it makes him different from others. I know that as he ages, it will become easier. I just want him to settle in with a group of friends that get him and embrace who he is. I love that he is different from others, unique, but it makes it hard on him.
Asher? So far it appears he is completely average. Barely knows his colors, can count to 12 and calls everything circular a “cookie shape.”
P.S. BEST STORY EVER. Ever. ever. Here.
28 comments:
It's wild how different kids can be. I tend to believe that every child has something they excel in. It just might not be something academic.
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I was an overachiever as a child, and they wanted to move me up a grade.
Now I'm OK with just being mediocre.
so I clicked on your news story. and now will have nightmares about this happening at MY house.
Life is really hard for kids. I have long been annoyed by how much kids are pushed to achieve by their parents or others. Who walks first, who talks first, who reads first, and so on. It's such a competition and it's ridiculous. Kids do tend to adjust to a similar level by the 3rd grade so why does it really matter who does what first. When we were looking for pre-schools for my oldest, I specifically told the teachers that I was looking for something that was geared more towards socializing than learning academics. I can teach the academics at home, thanks. I CAN'T substitute for a social network/outlet.
I feel for Asher. Socializing with other kids is "supposed" to be this no-brainer, fun thing but for many it just isn't. Knowing you, you are making sure he knows he is loved and that is okay to be different. And that is what will stick for a long time to come.
My second child is like this. Smart but not socially adept. It scares me that they say kids start to even out around third grade....I have heard this about gifted children. It worries me that our schools dumb smart kids down - so they are all about the same. I can say this because I was a teacher :) I just hope I didn't do it! Smart kids in HS do have a tough time but they mostly are around other smarties who do get them.
I love that Asher calls things cookie shaped. So refreshing :)
Hey-if he can identify a cookie shape I'm pretty sure he's set for life:)
I had a student like that a couple of years ago in my first grade class. He was reading on a 4th grade level and as far as I could tell he had an engineer's mind. Not being critical of engineers, just that he liked to figure out how things worked, built intricate models of things, design his own amusement parks (miniature of course)with materials around the house. He had a VERY hard time making friends in the class. The other kids weren't mean to him but like you said, they didn't "get" him. One little girl in my class took to him and he would hang out with her but if she was absent or decided to go play with someone else he would spend recess time walking in circles and designing paths around the playground equipment in the mulch. I would also create MANY opportunities in my classroom for the kids to work with a partner or small group, and I would choose them so he would have to work with someone else. he never minded but if left to his own choice, he would have worked by himself. The other kids never minded working with him either, they kind of looked up to him in a way because they knew he was so smart:)
His parents had heard about his lack of "social skills" since he was in preschool. His Kindergarten teacher had informed me that she had tried to talk to the parents about Asperger's Syndrome. I have a cousin with that though and my student was not acting like my cousin at all. He also didn't fit many of the other criteria. He was more like a grown up in a kid's body and was waiting for his peers to catch up :) From someone who was terribly shy growing up, I could fully understand how it was difficult for him to make friends.
He is in third grade now and I have run into him and his family a couple of times recently. He is continuing to do well and one thing his parents did was to sign him up for karate. I don't think he was coordinated enough for a lot of the other sports and so karate was a way to work on that, get him involved in some physical activity that put him in a group setting so he was doing the same things the other kids in his class were doing. I think it made him feel more a part of the group. He is a happy well adjusted child.
Sorry this is so long but when I read your post my student immediately popped into my head and I wanted to let you know how he is doing.
I know how you feel. My oldest is extremely bright, but not gifted. Gifted isn't a label I really wanted her to have. Her teachers pushed and pushed to have her tested. She's bright, more mature. She had trouble making friends. Second grade has been much better than K and 1 st. She found her place. My youngest is average. I am totally okay with that. I do worry that she doesn't apply herself. She gets lazy, especially at home. If I check in with her teacher, she acts like I'm nuts.
I'm not a teacher, but my mom was. I am very sensitive to everything I say to my girls teachers. We've been blessed. Arleigh's first grade teacher really helped set her up for a wonderful second grade year.
It does get better.
I hear ya. Not to toot my own horn, but Superman and I both have a pretty good IQ, Superman is literally a couple points under genius and I'm a couple points under him. (maybe I should've gone to college?)
2 of our kids are having these problems. Peanut (11 years old) has friends that want to call and chat but she hangs up because she doesn't care about their gossip and she'd rather read her new book, or because she's not home from math club yet.
Little Dude's (8 yo) grades are slipping now in 2nd grade because he is bored stiff. He finishes his work fast, then proceeds to get in trouble because he doesn't know what to do. It's like he already knows what they are teaching, rushes through his work and makes stupid mistakes because he did it too fast.
Princess (also 8 yo) on the other hand. She's smart but she struggles. She was just put in speech a few weeks ago for her "r"'s and isn't the best at homework. But give her some paper, paint, crayons, scissors, anything she can be creative with and watch out!
Anyway, sorry for the long comment!
My little guy had real problems with transitions for a few years. I had a very wise patient say to me once, "if you can find that one sport that your son can do better than most kids, everything will change, his self-esteem will go up and other kids will view him differently." That patient was right.
This reminds me a lot of my family. My older brother was very bright and tested early for Gifted. I was the "average" kid and when my teachers pushed to have me tested for Gifted I remember getting a talk from my parents about how I was smart in other ways and not to be upset if I didn't make it. Turns out I was Gifted too. It's amazing to me how many different kids of "bright" there are.
My brother did find his groove and other friends who "got" him - I don't remember what age though.
Oh - and on a completely unrelated subject - the totes I got for recycleables were in Target with a bunch of reusable shopping bags near the storage bin section. At least that's where they were in mine :)
Mental note, do not buy dog that can get blown away by large winds! Nice post about your children's smarts. My daughter has an amazing memory. For a 3 year old. I keep forgetting where I put my phone and accusing my husband of hiding it from me! ;-)
Give Elijah a BIG hug, tell him it is from me, and tell him that I will be his friend no matter what! So will Reagan. Tell him that I think it is SUPER COOL that he knows so much cool and interesting stuff.
The best part about this post? The way you ended it. I burst out laughing when I read about Asher. I couldn't help myself. After all the detail about Elijah, I couldn't help myself.
Oh, and you and I both need those tee-shirts that you wrote about in Twitter. If our husbands do not buy them, then we are buying them for ourselves!
-Francesca
I think you have such a realistic, positive outlook on it all. And having such supporting parents sets him up for success no matter what.
I have one average and one bright. The bright one takes a lot of work. He kills me with his questions. I just don't know!!! I say that a million times.
I'm glad they are all unique.
-FringeGirl
yeah I know how you feel, My 7 yr old started having problems at age two when I realized he wasn't talking much! I got him a speech pathologist and then he continued all the way through kinder. It scared us because he didn't start speaking until 3 yrs old! He is cought up now. I say that each kid has is own developmental timelines and that's what I learned with that! BTW I got jalapeno poppers, brownies, and Pizza for the appetizers!
Having loving, supportive parents is the best thing he can have in his corner! Now for Asher....probably be a little trouble maker adn give you grey hairs in a year or two!!
My child....I honetly have the feeling he will barely make it through school b/c it won't be important to him. He'll be the class clown! :) Oh the fun times to come!!!
I sent you an email replying to your comment on my post. Did it come through?
Hello! My name is Amber. I love this post. I struggle with my daughter and her disdain for anything school. I have accepted what she will or will not be. Thanks for this post!
He sounds just like my husband growing up. ha ha ha Ben grew up to be a super super smart nuclear engineer, with a serious lack of common sense. They just see the world differently. Ben always sees things more technically then I do. Always remember to help your little guy think about things in a small "common sense" way. But even if he never "evens" out, the older he gets the less it will seem out of place.
Ugh. Having kids is so hard!
Your Elijah reminds me a bit of my Riley. He is bright as well, and SO hard on himself. Puts way too much pressure on himself to be perfect. Colin...not so much. He's perfectly fine with taking the path of least resistance!
Ugh. Having kids is hard! (I had to say it again....)
~Keri
I understand your pain. My daughter is shy and has trouble making friends.
I was misunderstood as a child too. And look How well I turned out? I like, know famous people!
Besides Just tell all your kids that their looks will get them everywhere in life. Making them look up to paris Hilton should help :)
Oh, and loved he news story...makes me glad for ONCE that my dogs' fat asses will never be swept away even by the strongest tornado!
Sara,
My sister's son is "Bright" too. I'd call him GENIOUS! He's 13 and he's already in Trigonometry. My kids - just average. I encourage them to do their best, but I worry more about their hearts and WHO they are than their grades. Some people think that's bad of me, but I don't care. I don't care what occupation they turn out to be, I care that they are GOOD, GODLY PEOPLE!!! Ya know?
Loved your post!!!
It bothers me that people focus on book smarts as much as they do these days. I mean, I know many intelligent people who have absolutely no motivation to do anything. On the other hand, I know a ton of average minded people who have determination enough to be very successful at their chosen paths. So, who is worth more? The gifted lump, or the average go-getter. The latter is better in my opinion.
Plus, all this focus on book smarts is overriding the focus on becoming a functional, productive, social being. One with morals, ethics, and honesty. What's going to happen when the world is full of geniuses who don't care about anyone but themselves? Tis not going to be pretty.
I SO wish Razorback country wasn't so far from the Tundra you call home...I think our boys would be great buddies!
I think also sometimes that having a teaching background makes all this a little harder when they are different. You know first hand how hard they will have to work to ...make friends, keep friends, fit in, whatever.
I have days where I realize..oh wait, Skipper isn't just going to "get" that concept like other kids..I am actually going to have to TEACH him how to have a conversation WITH others not just to them!
I love your blog and love seeing what is going on with you!!
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